Instructions
Circle Y (for Yes) or N (for No) for each of these 100 questions. Then, add up the number of Yes’ and score yourself using the scoring key below.

1. Family/Relationships
Y - N 1. I am both pleased and content with my spouse/partner, or happy being single.
Y - N 2. I am close to my parent(s), alive or not. There is nothing in the way; nothing between us.
Y - N 3. I have a circle of friends who I have a blast with, without effort.
Y - N 4. I have a best friend and treat him/her extremely well.
Y - N 5. I am very close to my children. There is nothing in the way; nothing between us.
Y - N 6. I enjoy my family/extended family; we have worked through any dysfunction/past problems.
Y - N 7. I am part of a professional network that stimulates me intellectually and emotionally.
Y - N 8. I get along well with my neighbors.
Y - N 9. I have at least 20 friends and colleagues who live outside of my country of residence.
Y - N 10. I am loved by the people who mean the most to me.

2. Career/Business
Y - N 11. My work/career is both fulfilling and nourishing to me; I am not drained.
Y - N 12. I am highly regarded for my expertise by my manager, clients and/or colleagues.
Y - N 13. I am on a positive career path that leads to increased opportunities and raises.
Y - N 14. I work in the right industry or field; it has a bright future.
Y - N 15. I look forward to going to work virtually every day.
Y - N 16. My work is not my life, but it is a rich part of my life.
Y - N 17. I work with the right people.
Y - N 18. My work environment brings out the very best of me because it is to stimulating and/or supportive.
Y - N 19. At the end of the day, I have as much energy as I did when I started the day; I am not drained.
Y - N 20. The work I do helps to meet my intellectual, social and/or emotional needs.

3. Money/Finances
Y - N 21. I have at least a year’s living expenses in the bank or money market fund.
Y - N 22. I am on a financial independence track or am already there.
Y - N 23. I don’t have to work at financial success; money seems to find me with very little effort or pushing.
Y - N 24. I have no financial stress of any kind in my life.
Y - N 25. I invest at least 10% of my income/earnings in my ability to increase/expand that income.
Y - N 26. I do not carry credit card debt; I do not overspend.
Y - N 26. When I buy something, I buy the best possible quality.
Y - N 28. I don’t lose sleep over my investments.
Y - N 29. I am financially knowledgeable — I know how money is made and lost.
Y - N 30. I make money because I add enough value to the people who need what I have.

4. Joy/Delight
Y - N 31. I spend my leisure time totally enjoying my interests; I am never bored.
Y - N 32. Weekends (or other days off) are a joy for me.
Y - N 33. I have designed the perfect way to spend the last hour of my day.
Y - N 34. I look forward to getting up virtually every morning.
Y - N 35. I am very, very happy.
Y - N 36. I have designed — and am living — the perfect lifestyle for me right now.
Y - N 37. I have at least an hour a day that is exclusively for me and I spend it in a chosen way.
Y - N 38. I am able to stay present during the day; I don’t lose myself to stress or adrenaline.
Y - N 39. I easily take delight in the littlest things.
Y - N 40. My home brings me joy every time I walk inside.

5. Effectiveness/Efficiency
Y - N 41. I don’t spend time with anyone who bugs me or who is using me.
Y - N 42. I have more than enough energy and vitality to get me through the day; I don’t start dragging.
Y - N 43. I have no problem asking for exactly what I want, from anyone.
Y - N 44. I have all of the right tools, equipment, computers, software and peripherals that I need to work well.
Y - N 45. Whatever can be automated, is automated.
Y - N 46. Whatever can be delegated, is delegated.
Y - N 47. I reply to all emails as I read them; I don’t maintain an inventory of unanswered emails.
Y - N 48. I don’t put things off; when it occurs to me, I do it, handle it, or have it done.
Y - N 49. I know what my goals are and I am eagerly and effectively making them a reality.
Y - N 50. I don’t do errands.

6. Personal Foundation/Self-Responsibility
Y - N 51. I love my home: Its location, style, furnishings, light, feeling and decor.
Y - N 52. My boundaries are strong enough that people respect me, my needs and what I want.
Y - N 53. I tolerate very, very little; I’m just not willing to.
Y - N 54. I don’t see a cloud on my future’s horizon; it looks clear to me.
Y - N 55. My wants have been satiated; there is little I want.
Y - N 56. My personal needs have been satisfied; I am not driven or motivated by unmet needs.
Y - N 57. There is nothing I am dreading or avoiding.
Y - N 58. My personal values are clear and my life is oriented around them.
Y - N 59. I have resolved the stresses and key issues of my upbringing and past events.
Y - N 60. I don’t have a lot of unfinished projects, business or hanging items; I am caught up.

7. Personal Development/Personal Evolution
Y - N 61. I could die this afternoon with no regrets.
Y - N 62. I am living my life, not the life that someone else designed for me or expected of me.
Y - N 63. There is nothing that I am not facing head-on; nothing that I am putting up dealing with.
Y - N 64. I attract success; I don’t have to strive for it or chase it.
Y - N 65. I have more than enough natural motivation, inspiration and synergy in my life; I am not stuck.
Y - N 66. I am evolving, not just improving or evolving, because I continually experiment.
Y - N 67. I have progressed beyond the notion of beliefs.
Y - N 68. I am at that place in life where I initiate and cause events, not wait for others or events to do so.
Y - N 69. I have learned to take the path of least resistance as I accomplish my goals.
Y - N 70. I am beyond striving for success; I simply enjoy my life and focus on what I fulfills me.

8. Self-Care/Well-Being
Y - N 71. I take at least 4 vacations a year.
Y - N 72. Life is easy; I have virtually no problems or unresolved matters affecting me.
Y - N 73. My teeth and gums look great and are in top condition.
Y - N 74. I have more than enough time during my day.
Y - N 75. I eat food for sustenance and pleasure, not for emotional comfort.
Y - N 76. I am not abusing my body with too much alcohol, television, caffeine or drugs.
Y - N 77. Whatever health problems I have, I am receiving proper, effective care for them.
Y - N 78. My body is in great shape.
Y - N 79. I reduce stress daily by meditating, taking a long bath, exercising, walking, etc.
Y - N 80. There is nothing I am doing that is messing up my mind or heart.

9. Happiness
Please write down the 10 things that make you the happiest, whether you currently have these things in your life or not.
Y - N 81. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 82. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 83. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 84. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 85. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 86. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 87. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 88. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 89. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 90. _____________________________________________________

10. Pleasure
Please write down the 10 things that give your the greatest pleasure, whether you currently do these things in your life or not.
Y - N 91. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 92. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 93. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 94. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 95. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 96. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 97. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 98. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 99. ______________________________________________________
Y - N 100. _____________________________________________________

___ Number of Y’s

___ Number of N’s
——
100 maximum

Scoring Key:
90-100 Y’s. Awesome. Congratulations for such a high score and for living such a great life.
80-89 Y’s. Excellent! Your score is very high — this is a tough test.
70-79 Y’s. Very good. You’re definitely on track for a high quality life.
60-69 Y’s. Pretty good. You are making progress, and there is some work to do.
50-59 Y’s. Average score. Why not make your quality of life a priority and score 10 more points in the next month?.
40-49 Y’s. This is nothing to feel badly about, but you’ll probably need to make some real changes to improve your life.
30-39 Y’s. Weak. The questions are challenging, but not that challenging. What’s up with you?
20-29 Y’s. Okay, let’s get serious. You have one lifetime. Why aren’t you making the most of it?.
10-19 Y’s. What’s this about? Is it a temporary condition or have you just not paid attention to your life yet?
0-9 Y’s. Ouch! Why do you think your score is in this range? Could it be low self-esteem or emotional stress?.
 

by: Thomas J. Leonard

Popularity: 29% [?]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Rules :

1. Start Copy from “Begin Copy” until “End Copy”.

Master List :

A. Asia : 1. Moms… Check Nyo (Philippines) 2. Aeirin’s Collections (Philippines) 3. Jenny and Belle(Philippines) 4. Hailey’s Beats and Bits (Philippines) 5. Appleofmyeyes(Saudi Arabia) 6. Deranged Insanity (Philippines) 7. PROJECT HEAVY TRAFFIC (Singapore) 8. Rooms of My Heart (Indonesia) 9. Blessings and Beyond (Philippines) 10. lancerlord (Singapore) 11. allinkorea (Korea) 12. kimchiland (Korea) 13. korean food (Korea) 14. idealpinkrose (Korea) 15. Pinay Mommy Online (Philippines) 16. Momhood Moments (Philippines) 17. Business Mars (Philippines) 18. Maiylah’s Snippets (Philippines) 19. Picture Clusters (Philippines) 20. My Wanderings (Philippines) 21. Hit-or-Miss (Philippines) 22. Life Quest (Philippines) 23. FunFierceFabulous (Phils) 24. and Life Goes On for… (Philippines) 25. Moments of Colours (Philippines) 26. Making sense… (somehow) (Philippines) 27. Day To Day (Philippines) 28. My Happy Place 29. Me and Mine (Japan) 30. Little Peanut (Japan) 31. Creative In Me (Japan) 32. Pea in a Pod (Japan) 33. A Slice of Life (Phils) 34. Jenny Said So (Phils) 35. Live it Up… (Philippines) 36. A Sweet Taste Of Life (Philippines) 37. Through The Rain (Philippines) 38. Sugarmagnolias (Japan) 39. ParentZine育兒好好玩 (Singapore) 40. We are Family (PH) 41. Reference Notes (Hong Kong) 42. The Sweet Life 43. A Great Pleasure (Malaysia) 44. Lalaine’s World ( Thailand) 45. Proud Mommy (Philippines) 46. Petty Ramblings of a Petty Queen(Malaysia) 47. The Real Deal (Malaysia) 48. My Sweet Escape (Malaysia) 49. Mommy Earns Money Online (Philippines) 50. Pexlinks Triple Love (Philippines) 51. OnlineBiz and Resources (Philippines) 52. LadyJava’s Lounge (Malaysia) 53. LadyJava Life’s Pages (Malaysia) 54. Being Woman (Malaysia), 55. Cat Tales (Malaysia) 56. Make Money Online (Malaysia) 57. LadyJava’s Food Paradise (Malaysia) 58. Lourdes’ Mia (Philippines) 59. Miss Write (Philippines) 60. Me, Myself+2 (Phils) 61. Moments of My Life 62. My Deepest & Honest Thoughts (Malaysia) 63. Crissy’s Haven 64. Strangely Out of Place (Philippines) 65. Frozen Moments (India) 66. NER: Never Ending Resolve (Philippines) 67. Mindjuice in Full Throttle 68. Straight from the Heart 69. Creative Thoughts (Philippines) 70. Emila’s Illustrated Blog 71. WilStop (Philippines), 72. Alanzain-home decor world (Malaysia) 73. Let’s talk-everything in one space (Malaysia) 74. Tiklaton (Pilipinas) 75. Digiscraptology (Philippines) 76. A Life in Bloom (Philippines) 77. Because Life is a Blessing (Philippines) 78. Day to Day Miracles 79. Budget Traveler 80. The Success (Indonesia) 81. Lets Travel Philippines (Philippines) 82. enlaceré. tordu. (Singapore) 83.Blessings in Life (Philippines) 84. Tere’s World (Philippines) 85. Journey in Life (Philippines) 86. Thoughts and Beyond (Philippines) 87. Geng’s Journal (Philippines) 88. e-Shopping (India) 89. Tippy-Tips 90. Life and Me (Singapore) 91. Xploring Asia ( Singapore) 92. Baboyita (Philippines) 93. A Place Of Being (Philippines) 94. Bits and Pieces (Philippines) 95. Asian Mutt International (Malaysia) 96. An Anonymous Journal (Malaysia) 97. WebGeek Journal (Philippines) 98. BlogScope (Philippines) 99. The Mind The Heart The Lines (Malaysia) 100.BoBo the Bimbo (Singapore) 101.Sjtl (Philippines) 102. Crissy’s Zone (PHIL) 103. [S]hiphire [D]ominion (Malaysia) 104. All about your children (Singapore) 105. Hardy Chen Power Blog (Indonesia) 106. Rien Mais Tout, Nothing But All (Malaysia) 107. A Nice Thought (Philippines) 108. Choc Mint Girl (Malaysia) 109. KaDusMama (Malaysia) 110. Chorva (Philippines) 111. Geek Chic Guru (Philippines) 112. your turn

B. Australia : 1. Reflexes (Australia) 2. Emcee 3. Outback-Pinay 4. Collect and Connect (Australia) 5. Stand My Ground (Australia) 6. Alive (Australia) 7. your turn

C. Afrika : 1. Doudy Sketche Watercolor Paintings 2. Optimizing for Search Engines 3. Painting Artworks 4. Pictures in Egypt 5. your turn

E. South Amerika : 1. Oscar Luiz (Brazil) 2. dibujandoarte (Argentina) 3. your turn

F. Europe : 1. My Imaginary Travels (Netherlands) 2. Juliana’s Site (Netherlands) 3. Picturing of Life (Netherlands) 4. SuperMae (Portugal) 5. The Callalily Space (The Netherlands) 6. Portia (UK) 7. Daily Grind (Germany) 8. Amel’s Realm (Finland) 9. Mummy Diaries (England) 10. Mirage as Usual (Austria) 11. Say Cheese (DE) 12. Ramblings of an ad hoc doctor (United Kingdom) 13. Love Defies All (England) 14. Breather 15. your turn

G. Antarctica : 1. your turn

Popularity: 19% [?]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

A sense of authenticity is one of our deepest psychological needs, and people are more hungry for it than ever. Even so, being true to oneself is not for the faint of heart.

It starts innocently enough, perhaps the first time you recognize your own reflection.

You’re not yet 2 years old, brushing your teeth, standing on your steppy stool by the bathroom sink, when suddenly it dawns on you: That foam-flecked face beaming back from the mirror is you.

You. Yourself. Your very own self.

It’s a revelation—and an affliction. Human infants have no capacity for self-awareness. Then, between 18 and 24 months of age, they become conscious of their own thoughts, feelings, and sensations—thereby embarking on a quest that will consume much of their lives. For many modern selves, the first shock of self-recognition marks the beginning of a lifelong search for the one “true” self and for a feeling of behaving in accordance with that self that can be called authenticity.

A hunger for authenticity guides us in every age and aspect of life. It drives our explorations of work, relationships, play, and prayer. Teens and twentysomethings try out friends, fashions, hobbies, jobs, lovers, locations, and living arrangements to see what fits and what’s “just not me.” Midlifers deepen commitments to career, community, faith, and family that match their self-images, or feel trapped in existences that seem not their own. Elders regard life choices with regret or satisfaction based largely on whether they were “true” to themselves.

Questions of authenticity determine our regard for others, as well. They dominated the presidential primaries: Was Hillary authentic when she shed a tear in New Hampshire? Was Obama earnest when his speechwriters cribbed lines from a friend’s oration?

“Americans remain deeply invested in the notion of the authentic self,” says ethicist John Portmann of the University of Virginia. “It’s part of the national consciousness.”

It’s also a cornerstone of mental health. Authenticity is correlated with many aspects of psychological well-being, including vitality, self-esteem, and coping skills. Acting in accordance with one’s core self—a trait called self-determination—is ranked by some experts as one of three basic psychological needs, along with competence and a sense of relatedness.

Yet, increasingly, contemporary culture seems to mock the very idea that there is anything solid and true about the self. Cosmetic surgery, psychopharmaceuticals, and perpetual makeovers favor a mutable ideal over the genuine article. MySpace profiles and tell-all blogs carry the whiff of wishful identity. Steroids, stimulants, and doping transform athletic and academic performance. Fabricated memoirs become best-sellers. Speed-dating discounts sincerity. Amid a clutter of counterfeits, the core self is struggling to assert itself.

“It’s some kind of epidemic right now,” says Stephen Cope, author of Yoga and the Quest for the True Self. “People feel profoundly like they’re not living from who they really are, their authentic self, their deepest possibility in the world. The result is a sense of near-desperation.”

Psychologists long assumed authenticity was something too intangible to measure objectively. Certainly Michael Kernis did when, around 2000, graduate student Brian Goldman approached him about making a study of individual differences in authenticity.

“I said, ‘Well, you can’t do that,’” recalls Kernis, a social psychologist at the University of Georgia in Athens, “because nobody thought you could.” But the two plunged ahead, reviewing several centuries’ worth of philosophical and psychological literature. They came up with a technical description of authenticity as “the unimpeded operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.”

 Kernis and Goldman (now at Clayton State University) identified four separate and somewhat concrete components of authenticity that they could measure in a written test. The first, and most fundamental, is self-awareness: knowledge of and trust in one’s own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities. Self-awareness encompasses an inventory of issues from the sublime to the profane, from knowing what food you like to how likely you are to quit smoking to whether you’re feeling anxious or sad.

Self-awareness is an element of the other three components as well. It’s necessary for clarity in evaluating your strengths and (more to the point) your weaknesses: acknowledging when you’ve flubbed a presentation or when your golf game is off, without resorting to denial or blame. Authenticity also turns up in behavior: It requires acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection. And it’s necessary for close relationships, because intimacy cannot develop without openness and honesty.

Kernis and Goldman have found that a sense of authenticity is accompanied by a multitude of benefits. People who score high on the authenticity profile are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits. They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.

Whether authenticity causes such psychological boons or results from them isn’t yet clear. But they suggest why people crave authenticity, as those low in authenticity are likely to be defensive, suspicious, confused, and easily overwhelmed.

Considering the psychological payoffs, Kernis and Goldman ask, “Why, then, is not everybody authentic?”

For one thing, pinning down the true self is increasingly difficult. Western philosophers have sought some pure and enduring touchstone of I-ness ever since Socrates began interrogating the citizens of Athens. He famously asserted that the unexamined life is not worth living—but left vague exactly what insights and actions such inquiry might yield. Aristotle later connected the fruits of self-reflection with a theory of authentic behavior that was not so much about letting your freak flag fly as about acting in accord with the “higher good,” which he regarded as the ultimate expression of selfhood.

Spiritual and religious traditions similarly equated authenticity and morality. In the wisdom traditions of Judaism, Portmann points out, “people do the right thing because they see it as an expression of their authentic selfhood.” In Christianity, the eternal soul is who you really, truly are; sinners are simply out of touch with their core selves. “The authentic human self is called to be much nobler than what you see on the streets,” Portmann says.

Enlightenment philosophers secularized ideas of selfhood, but it took the 20th century’s existentialists to question the idea that some original, actual, ultimate self resides within. To them, the self was not so much born as made. One’s choice of action creates the self—in Sartre’s words, “existence precedes essence.” For Heidegger and confreres, authenticity was an attitude: the project of embracing life, constructing meaning, and building character without fooling yourself that your so-called essence matters in any absolute, a priori sense.

“The philosophical question is, do we invent this authentic self?” says Portmann. “Or do we discover it?” Socrates believed we discover it; the existentialists say we invent it.

“There isn’t a self to know,” decrees social psychologist Roy Baumeister of the University of Florida. Today’s psychologists no longer regard the self as a singular entity with a solid core. What they see instead is an array of often conflicting impressions, sensations, and behaviors. Our headspace is messier than we pretend, they say, and the search for authenticity is doomed if it’s aimed at tidying up the sense of self, restricting our identities to what we want to be or who we think we should be.

Increasingly, psychologists believe that our notion of selfhood needs to expand, to acknowledge that, as Whitman wrote, we “contain multitudes.” An expansive vision of selfhood includes not just the parts of ourselves that we like and understand but also those that we don’t. There’s room to be a loving mother who sometimes yells at her kids, a diffident cleric who laughs too loud, or a punctilious boss with a flask of gin in his desk. The authentic self isn’t always pretty. It’s just real.

We all have multiple layers of self and ever-shifting perspectives, contends psychiatrist Peter Kramer. Most of us would describe ourselves as either an introvert or an extrovert. Research shows that although we think of ourselves as one or the other (with a few exceptions), we are actually both, in different contexts. Which face we show depends on the situation. As Kramer puts it, “To which facet of experience must we be ‘true’?”

“Whether there is a core self or not, we certainly believe that there is,” says social psychologist Mark Leary of Duke University. And the longing to live from that self is real, as is the suffering of those who feel they aren’t being true to themselves. Feelings of inauthenticity can be so uncomfortable that people resort to extreme measures to bring their outer lives in alignment with their inner bearings. Portmann notes that people who undergo sex-change operations or gastric-bypass surgeries will say of their new gender or clothing size, “This is who I really am. I’m myself at last.” People who experience religious conversion often voice the same conviction, he says.

Likewise, “patients who recover from depression will say, ‘I’m back to myself again,’” reports Kramer, author of Listening to Prozac. “You can make the case that people are sometimes able to be more authentic on medication than not.”

But most of us experience inauthenticity less dramatically, as vague dissatisfaction, a sense of emptiness, or the sting of self-betrayal. If you’ve ever complimented the chef on an inedible meal, interviewed for a job you hoped you wouldn’t get, or agreed with your spouse just to smooth things over, you know the feeling.

Inauthenticity might also be experienced on a deeper level as a loss of engagement in some—or many—aspects of your life. At the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Lenox, Massachusetts, where he often teaches, Stephen Cope opens his programs by asking attendees to reveal their deepest reason for being there. “Eighty percent of the time, people say some variation of: ‘I’m here to find my true self, to come home to my true self,’ ” he reports. That response is as likely to come from young adults struggling to build careers and relationships as from people in midlife reevaluating their choices. “They say, ‘Who am I? Now that I’ve had a decent career and bought a house and had a marriage, I’m still feeling profoundly unfulfilled.’”

Another reason we’re not always true to ourselves is that authenticity is not for the faint of heart. There is, Kernis and Goldman acknowledge, a “potential downside of authenticity.” Accurate self-knowledge can be painful. When taking a test, it isn’t always fun to find out where you score on the grading curve. “Our self-images can be highly biased,” Leary notes. “But in the long run, accuracy is almost always better than bias.”

Behaving in accord with your true self may also bring on the disfavor of others: Must you admit to being a Democrat when meeting with your conservative clients? Does your wife really want to know whether you like her new dress? “Opening oneself up to an intimate makes one vulnerable to rejection or betrayal,” Kernis and Goldman observe. It can feel better to be embraced as an impostor than dumped for the person you really are.

Authenticity also requires making conscious, informed choices based on accurate self-knowledge. Like the existentialists, today’s psychologists emphasize the role of active choice in creating an authentic life: a willingness to evaluate nearly everything that you do. That’s no mean feat in a culture where even simple acts—you can dye your hair any color you want, your television carries more than 500 channels, and Starbucks advertises more than 87,000 ways to enjoy a cup of coffee—require conscious consideration among alternatives.

Such freedom can be exhausting. Baumeister has found that deliberation, no matter how trivial, exacts a cost in psychic energy, of which we have only a finite amount. His studies show that authentic action demands a certain amount of psychological exertion that depletes the self’s executive function. “It’s harder to be authentic,” he says. “It takes more work.”

Leary sees it as an outright burden, part of the perennial longing and doubt that he calls “the curse of the self.” So here we are, stuck with our self-awareness, which also compels us to continually define and refine our sense of ourselves as unique individuals against a background of conformity, superficiality, exhibitionism, and lots of other unique individuals.

But wait, there’s more. In order to realize an authentic life, says Kernis, one often has to set aside hedonic well-being—the kind of shallow, short-lived pleasure we get from, say, acquiring things—for eudaimonic well-being, a deeper, more meaningful state in which gratification is not usually immediate. Sissies need not apply.

The fact is that we tend to flourish under the most challenging circumstances, and enduring the pain and confusion that often accompany them can bring out the best—and most authentic—in us, fostering such deeply satisfying qualities as wisdom, insight, and creativity. But our cultural climate is filled with an alluring array of distractions, from online gambling to video games, that often turn out to be junk food for the mind.

But the really hard work, according to Cope and others, is the amount of ego-wrangling required to contact the core self. One of the biggest barriers to authentic behavior, he says, is the arbitrary and rigid self-image that so many of us nurture but which in fact distorts experience and limits self-knowledge. “Oftentimes, the very first line of defense you get with the folks who say, ‘I’m leading an inauthentic life,’ is that they’re living life according to a fixed set of views and beliefs about how they should be.”

A man at a dinner party admits that he married his first wife “because, well, you have to get married sometime, right?” (Actually, you don’t.) A composer who sets music to blockbuster films complains that they are too commercial, but is unwilling to forego such movies’ wide audiences and big paychecks for work on more meaningful projects. In each case, the individual may be guided by unexamined assumptions about what constitutes responsibility, satisfaction, even success.

Kernis contends that we each acquire a mixed set of shoulds, oughts, and have-to’s while still too young to process them. They are neither fully conscious nor deeply considered but are acquired through convention and the expectations of others. Getting beyond these arbitrary strictures often demands the kind of soul-searching that most of us put off or avoid entirely. In fact, much of the work that people do in cognitive and behavioral therapy is to hold such beliefs up to the light and examine where they came from, a necessary step to resolving the anxiety or depression they typically create and that drive people to seek help.

“Jung says the first thing you should do is take a look at those things that are dark in you, the things that are problematical, that you don’t like,” says psychotherapist and former monk Thomas Moore, author of A Life at Work. “You have to be willing to look at things that don’t fit snugly into the image you have of what you would like to be.”

Becoming authentic, then, means accepting not only contradiction and discomfort but personal faults and failures as well. Problematic aspects of our lives, emotions, and behaviors—the times we’ve yelled at the kids, lusted after the babysitter, or fallen back on our promises to friends—are not breaches of your true self, Moore insists. They’re clues to the broader and more comprehensive mystery of selfhood. “In fact,” he notes, “we are all very subtle and very complex, and there are forces and resources within us that we have no control over. We will never find the limits of who we are.

“People carry around a heavy burden of not feeling authentic,” he says, “because they have failed marriages and their work life hasn’t gone the way it should, and they’ve disappointed everybody, including themselves. When people think of these as just failures, as opposed to learning experiences, they don’t have to feel the weight of their lives or the choices they’ve made. That disowning creates a division that becomes the sense of inauthenticity.”

Kernis’ studies show that people with a sense of authenticity are highly realistic about their performance in everything from a game of touch football to managing the family business. They’re not defensive or blaming of others when they meet with less success than they wanted.

Eastern spiritual traditions have long furnished ways to glimpse the messiness of the self, and to view with detachment the vicissitudes of mind and emotion that roil human consciousness. Buddhism takes the self in all its variability as the principal subject of contemplation; the yogic tradition accords self-study great importance.

The Hindu Bhagavad Gita suggests we also have a duty to act: to realize our full potential in the world, to construct or discover a unique individuality, and thereby to live authentically. You have to “discern your own highly idiosyncratic gifts, and your own highly idiosyncratic calling,” Cope elaborates. “Real fulfillment comes from authentically grappling with the possibility inside you, in a disciplined, concentrated, focused way.”

That lesson isn’t confined to Eastern spirituality. In The Way of Man, philosopher Martin Buber relates a Hasidic parable about one Rabbi Zusya, a self-effacing scholar who has a deathbed revelation that he shares with the friends keeping vigil at his side. “In the next life, I shall not be asked: ‘Why were you not more like Moses?’” he says. “I shall be asked: ‘Why were you not more like Zusya?’”

 by Psychology Today

Popularity: 17% [?]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Everyone can find time in their busy schedules to pursue their dreams. Here are some ideas of how to find an hour or two here and there to follow your passion. Whether you have 10 minutes or 2 hours at a time, just by following these examples you could find up to 20 hours per month or more!

• Get up an hour earlier one day a week.
• Turn off the TV two to three hours per week.
• Set aside one hour every weekend.
• If you’re a parent, get a babysitter once a month for a couple of hours.
• Dedicate one lunch hour a week.
• Start a carpool for taking your kids to school.
• Share duties around the house: Ask your spouse to do the laundry this week.
• Make sure you set aside these times in your appointment book or calendar so you can’t make excuses or forget!

Popularity: 9% [?]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Fear. We’ve all felt its icy hand—whether it’s a sudden grab or a subtle, lingering presence. No matter how it functions in your life, no doubt you’re happiest and most fulfilled when it’s not at the wheel, steering.

Let Yourself Be Afraid

My favorite definition of fearlessness is this: the ability to remain soft and open, even under very difficult circumstances. Most often, fear causes us to shut down to our own and others’ humanity. We just want to get away, but the quickest way out is to stay. If you can slow down a bit, you can see that fear rises, abides and dissolves on its own. Allowing this process is the mark of the spiritual warrior. The coward turns attention toward fighting fear; the warrior accommodates it.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, whether it appears as anxiety, melancholy, or anger, stop, grab a piece of paper, and write one short sentence that describes your fear. Start with the words “I’m afraid…,” then scribble the first thoughts that come to mind, without regard for grammar or rationale. It could be something such as, “I’m afraid to check my e-mail because I’ve already got too much to do,” or, “I’m afraid about an upcoming conversation with my boyfriend,” or, “I’m afraid I have cancer.” Slowly read your words over three times. Take a full inhalation and exhalation after each reading. Avoid any attempt at amping up or toning down your agitation.

Ask for Help

I hate to fly. I hate it. Sometimes I even have panic attacks. I’ve tried all sorts of strategies to get over this—breathing exercises, visualizations, and Valium. None of these helped all that much. Here’s what did: I told someone on the plane that I was afraid to fly, and he offered to get me a glass of water. That’s it. To my surprise, I calmed down on the spot. I learned that getting someone to care about me, even for a moment, even if he or she is just pretending, calms me down. The truth is that 99 percent of humanity is good. When you are vulnerable, people actually want to protect you. When you know this, you can relax. The likelihood is that someone will be there for you.

Try this: If you notice panic rising, reach out to someone. You could strike up a little conversation with the person next to you. Or you could call a friend, write a letter, send an e-mail. You don’t have to go into the whole story. You can say something like, “I’m having a hard day and thinking about you lifts my spirits.” If you don’t want to communicate with anyone, make this request within yourself: “May this fear build a bridge between myself and others.” The key is to counter the energy of fear, which spirals in and down to make you feel heavy and isolated, with the energy of connection, which spirals out and around, lightening the situation on all levels.

Put Others First

Fear can cause you to ignore your authentic desires and put your life on hold. We want to avoid, retreat, and think what we want isn’t possible or realistic. This doesn’t hurt only you! Those who love you are also deprived, but just as often I find the opposite works. When I stop and remember who is in my life, why I love them, what they need, and how happy they would be made by my happiness, I find tremendous courage to face my fears. I’m doing it for us! My actions are rooted in love, not aggression—and loving others is a secret power source of fearlessness.

Try this: Ask yourself: “If I were to get past my worst fears, who else would be made happy?” If you can’t think of one person who would delight in your delight, imagine the person you most admire sitting across from you. This person can be real or fictional, but when you think of them, you feel a great sense of encouragement. Write down each person’s name and explain why he or she would feel happy if you conquered your fear.

Cheer Up

This may sound facile and nonprofound. But it’s actually the opposite. In an essay called “Working with Early Morning Depression,” Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche says, “There’s always the primordial dot: that spark of goodness that exists even before you think. We are worthy of that. Everybody possesses that unconditioned possibility of cheerfulness, which is not connected purely with either pain or pleasure. You have an inclination: in the flash of one second you feel what needs to be done. It is not a product of your education; it is not scientific or logical; you simply pick up on the message. And then you act: you just do it.”

Try this: The next time you feel shaky, pause. Say these words to yourself: “I could always just cheer up.” And then cheer up. This actually works. It may only last for a few seconds/minutes/hours, but you can always try it again.

Relax

The opposite of fear is not dauntlessness, it’s relaxation. The ability to remain open and mindful under all circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable, is a sign of amazing courage. When we’re not able to maintain mindfulness, we lose track of what’s actually going on around us. We confuse what we think is happening with what is happening. When attention is absorbed in fear, we’re distracted from what is actually going on. Like remaining in the still eye of a tornado—as opposed to being swept away by it—fearlessness requires full, moment-to-moment attention and receptivity, two qualities rooted in relaxation.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, stop what you’re doing. Draw attention inward. Where is the fear manifesting in your body? Fear can show itself in a tense jaw, clenched belly, shallow breathing, and so on. When you locate fear’s position, simply relax that area. Let your jaw or stomach go or take a few deep breaths. This is meant to be a physical relaxation, not an emotional one. You don’t always have to calm your mind to calm your body. It can work the other way around.

Stop Talking to Yourself

In Buddhism, there are several categories of suffering, one of which is called “The Suffering of Suffering,” which is different from the normal suffering human beings face. We all experience loss and disappointment. But we increase our suffering when we develop complex stories about where it came from, where it’s going, or whose fault it all is. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be thoughtful about the events of our life, but at a certain point, all that storytelling becomes counterproductive. Instead of analyzing your feelings, you can consider the counsel of American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön: “Feel the feeling and drop the story.”

Try this: When you notice you’re beginning to spin out, instead of thinking about your suffering, feel it. Notice where it resides in your body, whether it feels hot or cold, dull or sharp, speedy or spacey. You could even cry or stomp around. Be patient and let yourself feel what you’re feeling as an end in itself. You’ll be amazed at how much faster suffering resolves itself when you cut out the suffering of suffering.

Bring Someone With

Here is an exercise you can do on the spot to calm real fear in real time.

Try this: Before you’re about to do something scary (confront a friend, start a new job, ask for a date), imagine someone who would be proud or grateful if you took this risk. It could be a relative, a mentor, your inner child, or a historic or fictional character. Before you step into your scary situation, visualize this person by your side, holding your hand, or in your arms. Let yourself really feel their presence—and take them in with you. You’re not alone, and there is strength in numbers!

Time It

When we’re in the grip of fear, it seems endless. How long do you think fear lasts? You can actually do an experiment to see.

Try this: Take a look at your watch. Now sit down and conjure up one of your fears, but totally let go of trying to figure it out. Just connect with the feeling. Try to stay afraid for as long as you can. The very second you notice your mind starting to think about something else, stop and look at your watch. How much time passes before fear begins to pass?

Listen to Silence

Sometimes it feels like we’d do anything to stop being afraid, even for one second. Well, you don’t have to look far. In a fearful condition, the mind tends to tighten its grip on fear until you feel like you might explode. But here’s what you can do instead: Stop focusing on anything in particular. Let your awareness become open and soft.

Try this: Bring your attention to whatever sounds are present. As I sit here, I can hear a car idling across the street, music coming from downstairs, and the rustle of my husband’s newspaper. Let your ears take in all the sounds. All of them play against a background of silence; otherwise there would be nothing to hear. Tune your ear to the silence. Listen to what’s in between or under the sounds you hear and keep your attention on that. You can always, always hear the silence, even if you’re in the stadium during the Super Bowl. Take in the vastness of silence. This exercise is a way to cut into the flow of everyday discursive thought and connect instead with the mind of peace, which is always attuned to the largest possible reality.

Learn to Meditate

All the suggestions above are predicated on one thing: the ability to maintain mindfulness and awareness, moment to moment, as best you can. When you don’t consciously focus your attention, it wanders randomly. Choosing what to focus on requires practice—the practice of meditation. Then it will be easier to put the previous suggestions into play. No matter which type of meditation you do, if you stick with it, your ability to move through fear with confidence will get stronger and stronger.

By Susan Piver
BeliefNet Feature

Popularity: 13% [?]

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!