It might seem silly, but think about it: Human beings are downright obsessed with sex. We fantasize about it, we buy medications for it, we build relationships around it, and…we read blogs about it!  But why? Why are people so fixated with such a simple bodily function?

A new study featured in the Archives of Sexual Behavior has discovered 237 reasons humans have sex. Some of them are not exactly surprising – many people reported they have sex because it feels good and it is fun – but some of the results might shock you. For instance, the age-old myth that men have sex for pleasure and women have sex for love is not supported by this study – men and women both reported they have sex for enjoyment and gratification.

The people who participated in the study also reported many other reasons they have sex, including: “I felt sorry for the person,” “It was for a bet,” “I wanted to feel closer to God,” “To get a job,” “I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease,” “For money,” “I wanted to get rid of my headache,” and the downright hilarious reason “I wanted to change the topic of conversation.” 

Some of these reasons are shocking, and even disturbing — but I hope these more offbeat responses don’t take the focus off the original reason behind the study, which was to help people have safer sex. As the lead author of the study, Cindy Meston, states, “You need to know why people are having sex if you’re trying to put into place a safe-sex program.”

Meston makes a good point. When we teach our children about safe sex and provide sex education in our schools, we need to consider sexuality from a young adult’s point of view. This is particularly true for teens and college students. The study, based on the responses of 444 men and women aged from 17 to 52, discovered that the college-age group ranked pleasure and enjoyment as most important. Presumably, these types of sexual situations are less planned. Thus, high schools and colleges need to cater to these young adults by handing out condoms and making birth control readily available before the possibility of sex arises. As Meston states, “If you assume people have sex because they’re in the heat of the moment, then [you tell them to] carry condoms.” However, as she says, if they are engaging in sex for another reason, “That will require a different strategy.”

The study does more than just shed light on strategies for safer sex – it may also help individuals feel more secure and confident about their sexual behaviors. For instance, someone who has sex in order to sleep better might feel comforted when they read the study and realize that many other people have sex for the same reason. Any study that can bring sexual behavior into the mainstream media and remove the stigma of human sexuality is valuable and useful in our society – the more knowledge people have about sex, the more they can enjoy it and the more they can engage in it safely.

9 Leading Reasons for Having Sex
The researchers identified nine broad themes that characterize the students’ top reasons for having sex:

1. Pure attraction to the other person in general
2. Experiencing physical pleasure
3. Expressing love
4. Having sex because of feeling desired by the other
5. Having sex to escalate the depth of the relationship
6. Curiosity or seeking new experiences
7. Marking a special occasion for celebration
8. Mere opportunity
9. Sex just happening due to seemingly uncontrollable circumstances

The study also highlights five general themes that were least frequently cited by the students.

Those themes included wanting to harm another person (their partner, rival, or a stranger), getting resources (such as a job, money, drugs, or gifts), enhancing social status, using sex as a means to a seemingly unrelated end (such as relieving a headache), or having sex out of duty or pressure.

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Have Sex
The researchers broke down the leading reasons why men and women have sex. Eight of the top 10 reasons were shared by men and women.

Here are women’s top 10 reasons for having sex:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
3. It feels good.
4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
5. I wanted to express my love for the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was “horny.”
8. It’s fun.
9. I realized I was in love.
10. I was “in the heat of the moment.”
     

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Have Sex
In the study, men’s top 10 reasons for having sex are quite similar to the women’s list. Here are men’s top 10 reasons for having sex, according to the study:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It’s fun.
5. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was “horny.”
8. I wanted to express my love for the person.
9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
10. I wanted to please my partner.
     

For the full original study click here ….

The new couple research can save your marriage-before it starts

It’s clear–more than half of us are not only bad at marriage, we’re lousy at divorce. We’re still doing it in record numbers, but we don’t seem to be learning a thing from the experience: 60 percent of second marriages fail as well. After we face the failure, dry the tears, and explain it all to the kids, we still don’t know how to make relationships work.

So if we don’t learn from our failures, is it possible to learn from others’ successes? With this in mind, a number of researchers began a long-term look at marriage to discover what makes the good ones work. They examined every facet of marital interaction, videotaped every revealing nuance of communication, measured physiologic activity from pulse rate to electrical conductance of skin. Their findings provide nothing short of a blueprint for successful marriage.

Charting the marriage map

Twenty years as a marital therapist made it clear to Liberty Kovacs, Ph.D., that relationships unfold through time–a concept curiously absent in most views of marriage. But it was the lack of any guidelines for helping couples in distress that set her off in search of a framework for assessing their problems. Using her own empirical research, she developed a system to chart the marital relationship as it progresses (and always comes close to undoing) to accommodate two people who are themselves evolving as individuals.

Drawing theoretical bravado from group dynamics as well as psychodynamics, theories of adult development, and family systems, Kovacs contends that marriages evolve through six distinct stages toward intimacy and mutuality. Each of these passages poses specific challenges to individual and couple development. Yet while the progress may thus be predictable, says Kovacs, head of the Center for Marriage and Family Therapy in Sacramento, California, it is definitely not smooth.

The length of a marriage is no guide as to what sort of issues a couple may be stumbling over; some may stay stuck on a single issue for decades. And the development doesn’t proceed in a linear fashion from one stage to the next; rather it is cyclic. “When a couple is hit with stress at any point, they may go back to an earlier stage,” she says. All, however, face power struggles in the middle stages, and even the best don’t see the dawn of mutuality–that easy flow of support and intimacy–before 10 to 15 years.

The most important indicators of individual stages are emotional themes and interaction patterns. In the first stage for example–the mooning, spooning, Juneing phase–the marital partners see each other as perfect and identical. This is necessary for developing a sense of belonging and trust in each other’s commitment to an evolving relationship. Yet as renewed career goals or signs of external interests emerge–as they must–the other partner may view it as betrayal. The task is then to start down the rocky road of accepting differentness as enhancing the relationship.

Similarly, in the second stage, couples experience individual change as disappointment, anxiety, and self-doubt: a “What’s wrong with me?” attitude. Together, their task is to draw a distinct boundary between themselves as a unit and the rest of the world that impinges on it. It takes a strong sense of couplehood to face what happens next.

Over the next three stages, as partners’ interests diverge and develop independently, earlier efforts at accommodation now fall by the boards. Typically, each tries to control the other–a classic power struggle with all the accusation they can muster. Not only do they not agree on anything, they feel that they have lost any connection with each other. This may scare them, but they are more afraid to let down their defenses lest they be controlled by the other. What’s needed is not just the ability to recognize differences but finding new ways of negotiating them–ways of expressing themselves without crushing the other. What more often happens is that she rails while he stomps out of the house.

These scenes may be reenacted for years, even decades, as both play out patterns of behavior absorbed from parents. Likewise, it takes a great deal of time to find strategies to break through such entrenched patterns. Help takes many forms: finding ways of direct self-expression and labeling of feelings–statements that begin “I feel” rather than “He/she always does…”–and reviewing the family of origin to assess what attitudes and behaviors to keep, what to pitch.

By stage four, one or the other may be feeling the impulse to run away from the relationship. “I want time for myself” and “I need some space,” are laments that delineate the discontent. Kovacs feels that separations at this point are good if they allow the partners to “figure out who I am and what I want.”

But one spouse may already be searching for other partners or actively engaging in an affair. Kovacs calls that a diversion from the real issue–finding and completing one’s self. Another relationship only switches the focus to someone else’s needs.

If couples survive the struggles for nurturance, for power, for self, they then enter stage five–the promised land of reaching towards intimacy. “At this point, couples have a full identity to share,” and by stage six realize they can separate and reconnect without losing that identity.

Kovacs firmly believes that marriage is essential for growth and individuation–the elaborating of a distinct self. “First we grow in relation to our parents, then our peers, and then another adult. Only stable, enduring relationships allow individual growth to take place. We need to develop enough trust in a partner for the hidden parts of ourselves to surface. It takes years into a relationship.”

Redefining marriage

Viewing marriage as a process that unfolds in stages does far more than clue therapists how to help, it gives couples cause for hope even in the midst of misery, relieves some of the anxiety that they are not happy now, and gives them an agenda for working out their problems.

In addition, it affords couples a realistic perspective of duration–that relationships don’t happen overnight but take time. And it helps people abandon the idea of instant gratification. It clues them that you need to go through life making changes–designing your own marriage.

The new writ of relationships takes as a given that no marriage can be constantly happy over the years. Florence Kaslow, Ph.D., director of the Florida Couple and Family Institute in West Palm Beach and clinical professor at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, puts it this way: “Each partner’s personal development and the normal events of life necessitate continual adaptation, both individually and as a couple.”

In a study of 20 marriages lasting 25 years or more, she identified what distinguishes those couples most satisfied with their relationship. The major factor contributing to satisfaction in all couples was joint problem-solving ability–mentioned by 70 percent of both highly satisfied and mildly satisfied couples, and only 33 percent of the unsatisfied. Indeed, it turns up in virtually every longitudinal study of marriage. For Kovacs, it is what enables couples to navigate the passages of relationships. Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, calls it constructive arguing. He finds it is the single biggest predictor of marital success over time.

For the past decade he has been studying 150 couples at yearly intervals (starting before marriage) to identify those factors most responsible for marital success. Couples go through a complete interview, a set of questionnaires, and a talk with each other about the major issues in their lives. The session is videotaped to later observe how couples actually respond and communicate.

“The quality of the couple’s communication before marriage is one of the best predictors of future marital success,” Markman said in a report to the National Institutes of Mental Health. He calls financial and sexual problems “red herrings”–wrongly blamed for breakups and dissatisfaction. “Many people believe that the causes of marital problems are the differences between people and problem areas such as money, sex, children. However, our findings indicate it is not the differences that are important, but how these differences and problems are handled, particularly early in marriage.”

The art of arguing

Couples who are able to successfully resolve problems when they develop have the best chance to go on to a successful marriage. Markman’s results indicate that “problems early in marriage worsen over time rather than get better as many couples expect. Rather than viewing differences and conflicts as a sign of incompatibility, couples need to see them as opportunities for developing skills that they can use for the rest of their relationship.”

Trouble is, says Markman, couples have no opportunity to learn the necessary communication and problem-solving skills. The few who do were lucky enough to grow up among parents who had them. And while the skills can be learned, he says it is urgent for couples to learn them before problems develop. “We have found that couples are more motivated to work on issues when things are going well than when things are terrible.” Besides, most couples early in a relationship form patterns of response that, like shells, harden around them–anger, resentment, depression–and are difficult to change.

So he has developed the five-session Premarital Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) to teach problem-solving skills to about-to-be-married couples. “We teach them the rules and the boundaries for creating constructive conflict.” The latest results show that those who learn constructive arguing before marriage have half the divorce rate of those without such training. There are also lower levels of negative communication and two to three times less physical violence. These couples aren’t just sticking it out, their satisfaction remains consistently higher than that of the control group as they march through the child-rearing years–a time other studies have shown to markedly reduce marital satisfaction.

For the last three years, Markman has been offering his constructive-arguing program in the Denver area. Not only does the love life of couples improve, there are positive effects on the children, on their self-esteem and social development. “PREP gives kids the ability to manage conflict in relationships, and in themselves. The major point is that relationship discord is a significant risk factor for many forms of psychopathology in adults and children,” he says. “Many problems brought to individual psychotherapy are really relationship problems” rather than intrapsychic ones. “First and foremost is depression among women. Our studies show a co-variation of depression and marital problems.” The link is the buildup of negative affect.

Managing conflict

As Markman’s studies progress, he is focusing more on the dark side of marriage. “People too often look only at the positive side. But what is central to the marital relationship is the ability to manage negative emotions. Thirty to fifty percent of couples are mutually abusive–now that’s a sign of poor conflict management. Abuse erupts from the frustration of not being able to manage negative feelings.”

Reactions to conflict should be the first line of attack in marital therapy, Markman suggests. But not just any negotiating skills will do. The arguing skills must be learned in the context of the relationship. “Some elements of conflict are relationship-specific,” he says. “Marriage has a unique ability to tap into emotional issues from the families of origin.”

Men and women handle conflict in radically different ways that subvert the relationship. Men flee, women fight; and they stay stuck in this pattern. Some researchers now believe that men simply have more difficulty than women in handling conflict–a result of early experiences, gender stereotyping, and especially, physiology.

Men feel pain differently, according to John Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle. His credo is that direct measurements of physiologic response to interaction give a far more reliable picture of what couples are experiencing than merely asking them. His data show that men get more physiologically aroused–their hearts beat faster, they sweat more, and they move more–during marital conflicts, or even just anticipating them.

These signs are so unpleasant that, faced with relationship conflict, men withdraw altogether, a response Gottman calls “stonewalling”–in which the listener presents a stone wall to the speaker. They don’t move the face much, avoid eye contact, hold the neck rigid, and fail to give the usual listener responses. When a husband stonewalls, communication ends and marital satisfaction plummets. At first he physiologically withdraws; later, he withdraws emotionally. He becomes overwhelmed by his wife’s emotions and avoids any conflict with her. She responds by trying to re-engage him–advancing as he withdraws, setting up an escalating pattern of anger and frustration. Miserable as it is, if couples stay in this pattern, there’s some hope. But if the wife counter-defends herself by withdrawing, then essentially the couple is leading separate, parallel lives–heading down two tracks that never intersect. Men pay a high price for their escapist behavior: It precludes any hope for intimacy.

Accentuating the positive

While learning better methods of conflict management may be necessary for happiness, it is not sufficient to ensure it. There’s more to a good marriage, and that, every study shows, is a whole lot of “positive affect”–the expression of affection that keeps the couple at a high level of satisfaction. “Marital conflict by itself is not destructive for a marriage if it also includes positive affects such as humor, positive problem-solving, agreement, assent, empathy, and active non-defensive listening,” Gottman found in his studies.

In Kaslow’s Florida study, couples married 25 years or more were asked to cite the factors they believed contributed to the longevity of their marriage. Forty percent of the satisfied couples stated that they “have fun” together and treasure it. What’s more, both partners agreed it was an element in their satisfaction. Among the couples only mildly satisfied or unsatisfied, fun, humor and playfulness were not even part of the picture. “A great deal of expressed affection” was high on the list of essential ingredients for a good marriage.

“All the positive stuff has to be there,” says Markman of his own study findings. “Attraction. Love. These create a commitment to work at marriage.”

At the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, where a major study of 373 new couples is now in its fourth of six years, the picture on positiveness is clearly outlined by Elizabeth M. Douvan, professor of psychology and research scientist at the Institute for Social Research. She found that “affective affirmation”–the communication of loving attitudes–is “by far the strongest predictor” of marital quality.

Affective affirmation of the self–unconditional approval from one’s mate-through nonverbal exchange is so powerful in marriage, Douvan finds, that it brings about a remarkable transformation, what her team calls “accommodation.” Each person winds up moving toward the spouse’s innermost ideal of a partner. “If he is accepted for the way he is,” says Douvan, “he winds up doing things her way. And she moves toward his way.”

From the collective efforts of researchers, there is a model of marriage evolving that sees the relationship as a dynamic process of constructing a shared reality. Conflict is a major arena for marital communication and relationship negotiation. Styles of conflict are all-important, and good styles can be learned–the earlier the better. The points where people fail can now be mapped, and clinical researchers are pinpointing where and how help is needed. As Denver’s Howard Markman puts it: “I’m optimistic about the future of marriage.”

The Six Stages of Marriage

1. Romance (Honeymoon) Fusion

2. Expectations Compromise

3. Power Struggle Control

4. Seven-Year Itch Competition

(regardless of time married)

5. Reconciliation Cooperation

6. Acceptance Collaboration
by: PsychologyToday

1. TEXT HIM A LOVE MESSAGE Send him a romantic text message on his cell. Make sure it’s sweet but spicy!
2. DO ONE OF HIS CHORES FOR HIM Pick a chore that he dreads, such as mowing the lawn, and do it for him. Watch him as he sighs with relief.
3. START A HOBBY TOGETHER Sharing a hobby together such as horse back riding, completing a home improvement project, or selling on eBay can help keep you close.
4. PLAY A GAME TOGETHER Have fun doing things together such as playing board games, riding bumper boats, or playing miniature golf. Just remember, if he should get the best of you, don’t tackle him unless you’re laughing!
5. SHOW APPRECIATION When your husband works hard, or does something for you, let him know you appreciate him.
6. MAKE YOUR HOME HIS REFUGE Let your home be a haven were your husband can retreat from the stresses of life. Do your best to make it a pleasant environment.
7. LAUGH AT HIS ANTICS Don’t let the little things that your husband does get on your nerves. If you think about it, some of these things may have been what attracted you to him! He just wouldn’t be the same if he didn’t do these things.
8. PRAY FOR HIM Ask God to give him that extra boost to make everything OK. Let your husband hear you pray too. This will let him know that when you can’t make it right, you’ll ask someone who can.
9. CHECK BEFORE THROWING THINGS AWAY If your husband has some things that seem useless to you, don’t trash them until you’ve made sure he doesn’t need them.
10. CHECK BEFORE REARRANGING Ask your husband if it’s OK before you move or straighten things on his desk or work area. If he has things where it’s easy to find, it might make it chaotic if it’s moved.
11. TAKE A WALK OR A HIKE TOGETHER Let nature set the mood for romance! Talk, listen, and hold hands.
12. DON’T EXPECT HIM TO READ YOUR MIND If there is something you want your husband to know about you, tell him. Don’t expect him to just know what you’re thinking or what you need.
13. LAUGH TOGETHER Forget your adults for awhile, and just act silly together. Also, if something should go awry, try to find some humor in it somewhere. This will also reduce the stress of the situation.
14. RESIST THE URGE TO SNOOP Don’t sneak around and check up on your husband, if you want to know something, ask him to his face.
15. GIVE HIM A ROMANTIC CARDDon’t wait for a special occasion to give him a card. Find the most romantic card you can find and leave it in his car. Don’t forget to add your own personal message! Maybe you’ll even make him nervous, wondering if he forgot an anniversary!
16. PACK HIS FAVORITE TREAT Buy his favorite candy bar or other treat, and pack it in his lunch with a love note.
17. TAKE A BUBBLE BATH TOGETHER This is self-explanatory.
18. E-MAIL HIM AN INVITATION FOR ROMANCE Invite him on a rendezvous with you! Build his anticipation, then tell him to RSVP!
19. TAKE HIM TO TEST DRIVE HIS DREAM CAR Drive him to a car lot some Saturday, and let him test drive the car of his dreams – even though you probably won’t buy it.
20. LET HIM BUY THAT TOY Permit him to buy that toy he’s been wanting so badly. Better yet, put some of your own things off, save the money and buy it for him yourself!
21. TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE The future isn’t as far away as it seems sometimes. Talk about where you’d like to be when you’re married 50 years, and work on making those dreams happen.
22. GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT Don’t jump to conclusions if your husband has said or done something questionable. Give him the chance to explain before you pass judgement.
23. LET HIM BE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE Although this is growing increasingly unpopular, it does still work. Just because your husband is in charge of the household doesn’t mean that you can’t share your opinions, it just means he’s captain of the team.
24. SAY, “I’M SORRY” Although you may not want to admit it, there will be times when you’re in the wrong. Maybe you’ve said something hurtful or done something insensitive. Never have too much pride to tell him you’re sorry.
25. KEEP YOUR PROMISES If you told your husband you’d do something, make sure that you follow through.
26. RUB HIS FEET Steer him to the recliner and pull off his shoes. Rub his feet for at least 20 minutes. It has been told that this may even improve his health!
27. MAKE YOUR BEDROOM A LOVER’S PARADISE Turn your ordinary bedroom into any lover’s dream without a lot of expense. Remove clutter and anything that doesn’t belong, and replace it with scented candles and fresh flowers. Hang pretty curtains and find some comfy bedding. Place mirrors to reflect candlelight, and misting fountains for a romantic effect.
28. WRITE A NOTE ON THE STEAMED-UP BATHROOM MIRROR While your husband is showering, sneak in and write, “I love you” on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. This will steam him up as well, especially if you seal it with your lip prints!
29. PUT LOVE IN HIS SUDS I’m talking about a bar of soap! Scratch “I love you” into his soap so he’ll find it the next time he showers. (You may not want to seal this note with your lip prints, though).
30. GIVE HIM A MASSAGE Go buy some sweet smelling oils and turn your bedroom into a spa! Give your husband a full body massage and work out those aching muscles.
31. PLAY ROMANTIC MUSIC Keep a good deal of romantic music on hand in your bedroom to help set the mood for romance.
32. PUT A SIGN IN YOUR YARDPlace a sign in your yard such as, “THE WORLD’S GREATEST HUSBAND LIVES HERE.” Let everyone know how special your husband is to you.
33. LET BYGONES BE BYGONES If your husband has done or said something to hurt you, forgive him. Don’t keep bringing up the past every time you get into a disagreement, especially if he has shown remorse.
34. BE HONEST Don’t hide things from your husband. Be open and transparent. This will help him trust you more.
35. BRAG ON HIM IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS Men naturally rely on boost in their ego now and then in order to stay confident. Let him hear you tell others about the great things he says and does.
36. CLEAN HIS CAR FOR HIM Surprise him by giving his car a good detailed cleaning. If you don’t want to tackle it yourself, have it professionally done.
37. PUT HIS PICTURE IN WALLPAPER Let him know that you still think he’s a gorgeous hunk by putting his picture on your computer desktop!
38. BUY A BUMPER STICKER Put a “I Love My Husband” bumper sticker on your car.
39. WORSHIP TOGETHER The couple who prays together, stays together. These will be very tender and special moments shared between the two of you, as well as important.
40. EAT BY CANDLELIGHT Cook his favorite meal and light the candles. Take time to focus on each other, and to look into each others eyes.
41. BE DEVOTED TO HIM One of the greatest gifts that you could ever give your husband is your true faithfulness. This includes physically, emotionally, and in your thoughts. If you’re struggling with temptation, nip it in the bud. Tell him your feelings in a sensitive and loving way. Don’t bottle anything up, this is asking for disaster.
42. RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR Or massage his temples if he doesn’t have any. Do this while he relaxes. Remember, your touch is important to him.
43. DON’T CONTRADICT HIM IN FRONT OF OTHERS This will only embarrass him and cause people to lose respect. This is especially important if you have children.
44. DON’T CRITICIZE HIM IN FRONT OF OTHERS If you feel that your husband needs a bit of constructive criticism, make sure it’s just that – constructive. Don’t offer it at all unless it’s in a loving way, and in private. Being criticized in front of others lowers self esteem and causes hurt feelings.
45. DEFEND HIM Don’t let others disrespect your husband. Even just a snide comment can hurt. Stick up for him. Don’t let someone drive into the ground the most important person in your life.
46. LOVE YOURSELF Many times we as women hold back on our husbands because of our own insecurities. Learn to let it go. The things that we’re so worried about, usually don’t even bother him. What bothers him is when we hold back. Remember, although this may sound strange, you can’t really love someone until you love yourself.
47. PAMPER HIM WHEN HE’S SICK Men love to be pampered, especially when they’re sick. Make sure everything is comfortable and that he has his “special soup.”
48. LOOK HIM IN THE EYES Look your husband straight in the eyes when he talks to you. Not only will this show that you’re interested in what he has to say, but there is something about looking straight into his eyes that will give you butterflies.
49. DISPLAY YOUR WEDDING PHOTOS Don’t tuck away your wedding photos after you’ve been married awhile, keep them on display. This will be a great reminder of how your love was at the beginning, and how much it has grown.
50. DISPLAY YOUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE Frame the sacred document of your marriage. This will be a wonderful and constant reminder that your love is sealed, and you really do belong to each other.
51. TRUST HIM Too many times wives just sit around and wait for their husbands to do something wrong. Cut him some slack and dare to believe in him.
52. HAVE YOUR PHOTO MADE TOGETHER You may have done this when you were dating, but why not now? Get a current shot to place on the bedroom dresser or the desk at work.
53. LET HIM WIN It is inevitable, even in healthy marriages, to argue occasionally. What would it really hurt to just let him win? At least you wouldn’t be arguing.
54. DON’T GO TO BED MAD Although you’ve probably heard this one for years, and it may have been your grandmother’s first marriage advice to you, it is still true. Going to bed hurt or angry keeps feelings under the surface. When you wake up you don’t want to continue the argument, so you you hold in your frustrations and they begin to mount. It’s best to talk everything out, and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
55. DON’T COMPARE HIM Don’t EVER, EVER compare your husband to another man – not even your father. Your husband is his own person and unique in his own ways. Love him for it.
56. GREET HIM AT THE DOOR Don’t wait for your husband to say, “Honey, I’m home!” Watch for him, and greet him at the door with a hug and kiss.
57. MEND HIS CLOTHES Buy a sewing kit and repair those sock holes! Break down and sew on his popped-off buttons. This may increase his wardrobe by 20%!
58. TALK IN CODE Pick a code word for something that only the two of you know the meaning for and say it openly in public. You’ll have your own inside joke. This will help keep you close.
59. HAVE A WRESTLING MATCH This will get you both laughing, and the closeness will be fun!
60. WAKE HIM UP WITH KISSES Make his whole day go better by waking him up with kisses. He may even keep you there through breakfast!
61. HELP HIM SHAVE This is a fun way to be close and to get you both laughing! (As long as your careful, that is).
62. DEDICATE A SONG TO HIM Did you have a song that was “your song” while you were dating? Call up your local radio station and request it, and have them to dedicate it to your hubby!
63. MAKE HIM A HEART-SHAPED BREAKFAST Make heart-shaped pancakes and heart-shaped toast! Trim little pads of butter into heart shapes as well.
64. DON’T TRY TO BE HIS MOM Remember you are his wife, not his mother. Don’t jump him every time he leaves something on the floor or his clothes don’t match. It’s OK to lovingly remind him, occasionally, but don’t nag him.
65. GRAB A KISS WHILE YOU WAIT Kiss your husband while you’re waiting at the stoplight or in the food drive-through. Your wait won’t seem near as long, and you may wish it could last a littler longer!
66. FLIRT WITH HIM Just because you’ve snagged him, don’t stop flirting! Wink at him, squeeze his muscles and, WHOOOO, or now that your married, it’s not at all out of line to be a little bolder in your purpose.
67. GO ON A LONG DRIVE Go for a long drive and sight see. This is an excellent chance to talk or just be in each other’s company. The way gas prices are, you’d almost have to love someone in order to take a long drive. If you don’t want to spend the gas, drive to a pretty park or lake and just stop and soak up the scenery while you talk and hold hands.
68. BE HIS BEST FRIEND Let him feel confident that you’ll always be there when needs to talk, to laugh, or even cry. Let him be free to be himself at all times and stick with him through the thick and thin.
69. EAT AN ICE CREAM CONE TOGETHER Buy one, large cone, and eat it together at the same time. You may miss the cone, and touch his lips, which will even be sweeter!
70. CHERISH THE SMALL THINGS Concentrate on the way he walks, the way he talks, his smile, or the way he says your name. These are really more important than you think, and no one can do it quite like him.
71. HELP HIM WITH HIS CLOTHES Ask him to let you help with the buttoning or unbuttoning of his clothes as he’s dressing or undressing. Caress him gently as you’re doing it.
72. KEEP YOURSELF ATTRACTIVE It’s easy to fall into a “house wife” mode and just walk around in “cleaning clothes” with your hair twisted into a mess. That’s OK while your actually cleaning, but try to be more presentable by the time your husband sees you. Bathe, put on clean clothes and a dab of perfume, and set your hair nice.
73. DON’T PUSH THE BUDGET It is important to learn to live within your means. If you can’t afford certain things, don’t buy them. Financial stress is very hard on marriages.
74. DON’T COMPLAIN Don’t complain about your standard of living or whine about the things that you don’t have. If your husband is doing his best to provide for you, make the best with what you have. If you complain, this makes him feel that he is not a good provider, and this is a great blow to his self esteem.
75. HAVE A PILLOW FIGHT If you must fight with your husband, do it with pillows! Make sure nothing is around that can break, then go into battle! See how long you can go without laughing.
76. LOOK OUT FOR HIS HEALTH Encourage your husband to get plenty of sleep and exercise. Try to get him to keep medical and dental appointments. Cook healthy meals, and give him nutritional supplements.
77. BUY HIM SOME SEXY BOXERS Buy several pairs of sexy shorts for him! Try silky, colorful, and glow in the dark! Make sure you tell him what a hunk he is while he’s wearing them!
78. WEAR THE LINGERIE HE LOVES Some wives love it, some dread it, but just make sure you wear it!
79. DARE TO BE BOLD Too often, wives wait for their husbands to make the first move in the bedroom. Try showing little aggression yourself once in awhile. This will majorly ignite your husband’s passion, and the fireworks will begin!
80. DON’T DEPRIVE HIM Husbands need sex probably more than wives need hugs and compliments. This is one of the main ways he feels loved. Naturally, there will be sometimes you don’t feel like it. But even then, if you just give in, you will before it’s over.
81. SPLURGE OCCASIONALLY Although money is a precious commodity to many couples, try to find a way to splurge on something now and then. If you have children, find someone to care for them and get away for the weekend. If you can’t afford a trip, find a hotel in or near your hometown with a jacuzzi. If it’s still too costly, buy something that you both would enjoy, like a new CD.
82. WORK ON YOUR WAYS It’s easy to see and point out flaws in your husband, but if you’re honest, you’ll realize that you haven’t earned a halo yet. Try to work on your own shortcomings and make yourself a better person.
83. DON’T BE A PESSIMIST Try not to focus too much on the negative. Keep a positive outlook in your marriage.
84. DON’T RUB IT IN IF YOU’RE RIGHT If you’ve disagreed on something and it turns out that you were right, don’t gloat about it and throw it in his face.
85. WASH EACH OTHERS HAIR Jump in the shower and suds up! Watch the water and soap trickle down his face as you wash his hair.
86. EXAMINE HIS FEATURES Take a moment to delight in your husband’s features. The shape of his nose, the set of his eyes. If he catches you staring, wink at him.
87. SEEK HIS ADVICE Ask for your husband’s input and advice on anything from children to what he might like to eat. This will let him know he’s needed and that his thoughts are important.
88. KEEP TIDY Keep things neat and tidy around the house. Decorate and make things look comfortable and welcoming.
89. TALK ABOUT HIS INTERESTS Bring up a subject that interests him and listen to him talk. Even if the subject doesn’t interest you, enjoy watching him as he gets stirred up over the topic.
90. SHOP FOR HIM When you run to the store, see if there is something that you should pick up for him. This could save him a lot of time or keep him from missing a lunch break.
91. KIDNAP HIM Plan a special evening, make all the arrangements, then show up at his job just as he gets off work. Tell him to get in the car and no questions. (Make sure you smile, so he don’t get alarmed). Whisk him away for a fun-filled evening, then return to get his car later.
92. RAKE LEAVES TOGETHER Go to your back yard and rake up a pile of leaves. Before you bag them up, play in them together.
93. DON’T LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD If you can’t read a novel without getting depressed over your love life, throw them away. Many books or movies can portray romance in very unrealistic ways. True love and romance is what he is already doing -providing for you and loving you unconditionally.
94. GO CAMPING TOGETHER Find a good camp site and pitch a tent! Buy a two person sleeping bag.
95. DON’T TALK HIS LEG OFF IF HE’S TIRED If your husband is tired and you need to talk to him, go straight to the bottom line and spare the details.
96. SLOW DANCE IN YOUR BEDROOM Plug in some flashing lights and turn on some romantic music and start slow dancing. (Clothes optional).
97. PLAY HIDE AND GO SEEK IN YOUR NIGHTIES Put on your sexiest negligee and challenge him to a game of hide and go seek. He’ll say, “Ready or not, here I come!”
98. MAKE LOVE UNDER THE STARS Find a secluded place and throw out a sleeping bag. Make love by the moonlight as you gaze at the stars.
99. SIT IN FRONT OF A FIRE TOGETHER Snuggle up together in front of the fireplace and make out. If you don’t have a fire place, consider buying an electric one, these look realistic, and are still romantic.
100. DOTE ON HIM Pick a night and wait on him hand and foot. Draw him a bath, fix his plate for him, and anything else that you can dream up!
101. JUST SAY IT Make it a point to say the words I love you every single day, and mean it.

In a season of fevered nuptials, there is one question that secretly gnaws at many a wedding guest: “Will this couple stay together?” Friends and family inevitably look to a couple’s courtship as a template for the marriage itself. After all, we think, if they fight about cleaning an apartment the size of a shoebox, tensions will surely rise when they’re dealing with three kids and a white picket fence.

Are such judgments warranted? Yes, according to Ted Huston, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and human ecology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has collected data on 168 marriages since 1979. Huston believes you can learn a lot about a couple’s viability from the tempo of their courtship and the sentiments reported while they are dating.

Huston found that men who feel uncertain about the relationship when they are “part of a couple, but not committed to marriage,” are destined for a rocky courtship and marriage. But when women flag similar concerns, there is a “sleeper” effect: Problems usually surface after the honeymoon to wreak havoc on the nascent union.

Huston thinks this is because “women are typically more interested in getting married than men, so they’ll process their concerns, but they don’t want to do anything to disrupt the courtship.” Huston’s colleague Cathy Surra, Ph.D., distinguishes between “event-driven” and “relationship-driven” courtships. A relationship that escalates based on external factors that have little to do with a couple’s true level of intimacy–such as moving in together to save on rent–can be characterized as event-driven. Surra found that couples in such unions report more conflict and greater uncertainty about the relationship. While it’s too early to tell whether the event-driven couples in Surra’s study are more eager to call it quits, she suspects they will be.

What about length of courtship and its effect on marriage? In Huston’s study, happily married couples dated for an average of 25 months. In unions that did not last, there were interesting correlations between the length of the courtship and the length of the marriage. Couples who divorced after two to seven years of marriage, whom Huston terms “early exiters,” tended to hold off on exclusively dating one another, and married around the three-year mark. They also brought a low maintenance approach to the relationship: in fact for many, the biggest attempt to rekindle an unpredictable romance was the marriage itself.

Highly romantic courtships don’t guarantee living happily ever after, but they are associated with a longer road to divorce. Many marriages in which the partners committed quickly and felt strongly enamored of one another survived to the seven-year mark. These couples dated an average of 18 months, and were engaged in half that time. The men, especially, reported feeling strongly enamored of their partners. Huston speculates that such early bliss makes people stick it out longer when the marriage takes a turn for the worse.

And while falling in love relatively slowly made for less ecstatic newlyweds, Huston found that after two years of marriage, the less ardent lovers were just as happy as those who reported love at first sight.

Huston’s research contradicts the prevailing theory of “emergent distress” in marriages: the idea that problems suddenly explode within the confines of an otherwise sunny union, and that a couples’ history is no basis for judgment. In fact, says Huston, premarital problems can be likened to a virus that “will surface in the marriage and erode the partners’ bond, making the relationship vulnerable.”

by: PsychologyToday

- I like an old-fashioned date of dinner and a movie.  I leave plenty of time for both so we don’t have to rush around especially if our table is not ready.  There is nothing like a nice elegant dinner and then seeing a comedy flick.  After the movie we are both in a good mood and go home to continue our fun night.
- For a great cheaper date there is nothing like a picnic.What you eat is not as important as where you have it.We usually just have some sandwiches, crackers and cheese, wine, and some cookies. We go to our own special area in a park by the water.  Sometimes after lunch we fall asleep on the blanket listening to the waves crashing.  It couldn’t be more peaceful or romantic.
- My great date for me is when I am completely surprised.  My spouse tells me how to dress and he is in charge of the rest.  He takes me out to dinner and the whole time driving there he won’t tell me.  Of course I try to guess and he just laughs.  He always picks a great place to eat.  Afterwards he will do anything from a movie, miniature golf, go get ice cream, or drive to the lake and take a walk at sunset.
- My favorite romantic getaway is Niagara-on-the-Lake in Ontario, Canada.  The Niagara Escarpment is absolutely breathtaking. We stay at one of the many beautiful bed and breakfasts or inns.  There is so much to do and see and all of it is romantic.We like to do a few wine tours and have a picnic lunch overlooking the lake. Sometimes we take a horse-drawn carriage ride to really take in the town and its old fashioned flair.
- One of the most romantic things we like to doing is going for a stroll on the beach at sunset.  There is nothing like feeling the sand between your toes and gazing at the sunset as your hold your partner’s hand.  The fresh sea air combined with a nice warm breeze makes me forget the chaotic life I sometimes live.
- I like to surprise my wife with flowers.  I sometimes come home from work early and make dinner so it is ready when she comes home.  On any other day she prepares dinner and I know at times she probably dreads it.  To see her light up when she comes home to flowers and dinner makes me feel so good.  She usually thanks me later in the night with some hot passionate sex.

- My wife is usually never in the mood and does not initiate anything on her own.We have been married for 5 years and I have known her for 9 years.  In that time I have learned though how to push her buttons to turn her on.  Once I get her started I pretty much just have to sit back and she takes over.  Occasionally she will surprise me and wear something sexy at night but for the most part I can get her revved up almost anytime.
- One thing my girlfriend does is not wear underwear when we go out for an evening.  A lot of times she will not even tell me and I discover it on my own.  This drives me crazy!  She seems to enjoy it and occasionally gives me a flash when no one else is looking. At this point I usually can’t wait to get her home.  She brushes up against me or pushes her butt into me.When we get home we can hardly get the door closed and our clothes are off and we go at it …
- One thing my husband and I like to do is have sex in the morning. We make sure we go to bed a little earlier so we are not too tired when we get up.  Many times we are too tired to do it at night so having sex first thing in the morning makes for a great day.  I usually wake him up by reaching over and manually stimulating him.  He is usually ready to go in about 2 minutes.We usually go for about 20 minutes so as to not make us late for work.
- My boyfriend and I rent movies quite a bit.  Sometimes to spice things up instead of putting a regular movie in I put in a porn movie. Watching it together gets us so turned on that we are going at it after about 15 minutes of watching.We sometimes watch it as he is pumping me.  I absolutely love it!
- My husband and I love to have sex in weird places.  I usually just wear a dress with no underwear for easy access.  It is never planned out although we sometimes go to our favorite places we really enjoyed.  Fortunately we have never been caught but we have had our share of close calls.  I think it adds to the excitement. It makes me laugh when during some of our close calls my husband is standing there sporting wood underneath his pants.
- If I really want my wife to be in a great mood when she gets home I send flowers to her work for no reason.  I might only do it a couple times a year to keep it special.  She is always surprised and I think she likes the comments from coworkers about having such a great husband.

- It may not seem romantic or anything but my husband and I like to do yard work together.We start early in the morning racking or pruning and then go to the nursery to pick out plants, bushes, and flowers.We then plant them together while sitting and talking.  At lunchtime we break to have a nice lunch on the porch.We then clean up the lunch together so we can get back to the yard work. We usually finish before dinner and sometimes sit to admire our hard work.  It is a nice day together where we really get to sit together and talk.
- We unfortunately do not have much time for romance.  My husband and I both work and we have 3 kids under the age of 7.We read somewhere that in our case you need to schedule romance into our lives.We didn’t like the idea at first because it made romance seem so “planned”.We both thought it had to be spontaneous to be exciting.We tried it out and have been doing it for at least six months now.We love it.  You should schedule romantic dinners and sex just like any other appointment.  You should also give these appointments the same importance as a doctor’s appointment.  That means you schedule around it and don’t treat it as optional.We still have out spontaneous moments but we do a lot more romantic things than we used to and our marriage is so much better for it.
- I think one important thing to having good romance is having special places that means a lot to the both of you.  This may be a special restaurant, a certain place in a park you like to sit or even a special walk you like to take.When you are at this special place you feel closer because it brings back good memories.When you think of these memories you temporarily forget the craziness of everyday life and really enjoy your partner.