1. Not high on life. If the man you are dating or married to needs an extra boost to get through the day (other than simply having you in his life), then your relationship is in jeopardy. Alcohol and substance abuse will always be more important to him than you are, so step aside and encourage him to focus on recovery. Since this often takes quite a bit of time, keep your distance and support him from afar. But remember, even his sober-self may not be what you want in your life, so take stock and be realistic about what’s best for you.
2. Has a previous engagement. If he’s already married and trying to date you, it’s cheating, not just on his wife and family, but on you as well. Look, if you know he’s married, you are disillusioned — you think he’s going to leave his wife for you. Tune in to your own reality show and break it off. If you truly don’t know, look for possible signs: is he able to spend holidays with you? Do you only have his cell number? Have you ever been to his place (really his place, not his friend’s bachelor pad)? Does he seem secretive and defensive? Hmmm.
3. Likes your clothes…a lot. A man dressing like a woman at Halloween, once, is funny. Twice, not so much. Three times and he also wants to shop at Victoria’s Secret with you, and it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. A good man may be hard to find, but you have plenty of “girl” friends. Stay casual friends with this guy if you like, but say bye-bye to a romance and find a man who prefers trousers over pantyhose.
4. Keeps a harem. There are a lot of blended families today, and many couples have children from previous relationships, but it’s a big no-no to create a new life while you are married to or dating someone else. Even though you love him and he’s sorry and he’ll never do it again, you need to break up with him.It’s not being unsympathetic, it’s self-preservation.
5. Infatuated with work. Being dedicated to your work is a very attractive quality — it shows drive, initiative and responsibility. But if your own sacrifices, such as raising the kids on your own, going to family functions alone, and setting aside your own dreams and goals, are not appreciated (a lot) by your mate, you need to ask yourself if you are in a marriage or the live-in help.
6. Sexually preoccupied. What goes on in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom. Figuring out what turns you both on is a good and healthy thing. Being in a committed relationship means doing these things together, so finding out your partner is getting all hot and bothered on the internet or while flipping the pages of a magazine you found in his sock drawer, or — yuck — by calling 888-hot-love are real red flags that he’s more interested in “me” than “thee.” Ask him about it and decide if you really want someone else turning on your man.
7. Adores material things. All women feel great when a sophisticated man wants to be with them, but if he spends more time in front of the mirror than you do, spends more money on his clothing and is more interested in what he has in his possession than what he has in you, think again if that handsome face and big bank account is worth it. Relationships cannot be based on things and appearances. There needs to be a solid foundation of genuine caring, concern, respect and friendship, in addition to love. It’s not who has the most toys who wins, but what is actually valued in a relationship consistently, every day. Think about it.
8. Has bad juju. Intuition is a very useful tool, so if you detect something inappropriate when your man is in the presence of family members or children or friends you don’t see that often, pay attention. A dark history or secret life can easily be hidden by a charming personality and a smile. If you are married to the man, you need to get some answers. If you are dating, listen to your head over your heart and tell him it’s just not working out. Even if you are wrong, there was definitely something about him that wasn’t right for you.
9. Owns a pair of brass knuckles. It is never, under any circumstance, ever OK for anyone to be mean or to hurt you physically in any way. A bad day, stress at the office, something you may have said or done – nope, not good enough. This type of behavior says “bad news” all over it. Break up, leave, change your number. You do not need someone in your life at the expense of your self-respect and safety.
10. Isn’t the one. Sometimes it’s a good idea – and very okay – to break up simply because there is no chemistry. It’s hard to keep waiting for the “right one,” but it’s worth it in the end. No one wants to feel as though they’ve “settled.” You are worth having someone be loving and kind and special and make bells ring and birds chirp in your head, to make your heart pound and your palms sweaty. If it just isn’t there, say “thank you very much, nice to have met you” and wait for Mr. Right.

Relationship red flags
Attempts to isolate you from family/friends
Equates total submission with total love
Puts you down in front of others
Makes you feel crazy
Avoids time with your friends
Lacks common courtesy

It’s a familiar story — the two of you meet, become inseparable and fall in love…but then the tables turn and one of you wants out. At that moment, things get complicated and questions begin to arise: How do I tell this person? What will happen after the breakup? We’ve compiled some tried-and-true ways to weather the emotional storm:

Tip 1: Behave badly. Don’t try to be brave. Don’t pretend it’s OK. Scream, shout, eat badly. For once, you’ve got permission. Therapists say the sooner you hit bottom, the sooner you’ll feel better.

It’s OK to be upset at work.” Almost half of respondents confided in a co-worker after a breakup, and more than one-third have cried at work because of a breakup.

Tip 2: This person is now out of your life. Period. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT, call your ex. It’s like Chutes and Ladders. One call and you’re back at the bottom again. We’re all weak-willed, particularly when it comes to people who’ve broken our hearts. You need to get serious about this. You need a contract. Try this:

The “No-Contact” Contract

I hereby pledge that I will not prolong my anguish by attempting to contact my ex or orchestrate any elaborate “accidental” meeting with him or her. My healing has now begun, and I will avoid reopening those wounds like I would avoid a bear trap in the woods. By “contacting my ex,” I mean every single form of communication, from IM, to chat boards, to friends passing messages, to sending smoke signals from yonder mountain. I will not call or write, I will not try to reach him/her through the spirit world and I will not think about my ex. OK, I probably will think about my ex… quite a bit, in fact. But I promise that this phenomenon will diminish over time.

Signed: (Your Name Here)
Dated: (Today’s Date Here)
 
Tip 3: Life is short. Make it good for you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t? Then make the time to do it now. Better yet, pick something your ex NEVER wanted to try (or never would let you try). It’ll take your mind off things, reintroduce fun into your life and help you break unproductive thought patterns. Run away on a vacation. Join a gym. Despite all that comfort eating, many people lose weight while grieving. Rejoice! Try a little retail therapy.
“Immerse yourself in your work” and “go on vacation” were the top selections for what respondents would do just after a breakup (59 percent and 45 percent, respectively).
Chocolate and ice cream received more than 50 percent of the votes as the kind of comfort foods that would be sought out by respondents as the result of a breakup.

Tip 4: Get back in the saddle. Avoid super-quick rebounds, but don’t make excuses for not getting out there and meeting new people. Not every coffee date needs to be “the one.” Browsing online through Yahoo! Personals will cheer you up by showing you how many new options there are.

There is nothing more glorious than falling in love! What a wonderful feeling it is when, after all that searching and seeking, you finally hook up with that compatible mate. But wait! How can you know that the person you think is right for you, is really right for you?

All you have to do is make sure that you ask the appropriate questions.

At the right time and place, I suggest the two of you exchange answers to the following questions:

1. Kids or no kids
2. Smoking or no smoking
3. Drinking or no drinking? (Same for drugs)
4. Religious beliefs: Match? Blend? Clash
5. Who works? Who stays home (especially when the kids come along)
6. Who wants to live where?
7. Who controls the checkbook
8. What is his/her personal relationship with his/her family? Too distant? Too close Too weird? Appropriate to your standards?
9. How are holidays spent? At home? With family? Alone? Vacationing
10. Windows opened or closed? Heat/AC on or off
11. What side of the bed must you (he/she) sleep on
12. Where to spend vacations? Leisure time
13. Sick: Left alone or babied
14. Appropriate gift giving: birthdays? Yuletide holidays? Special occasions
15. Who does what around the house
16. What is acceptable hygiene
17. What are his/her hobbies, pastimes
18. Preferences: Music? Movie? Book favorites
19. Favorite foods
20. Pets or no pets? What kind
21. Decisions about the children: School, church, discipline, allowance, extra curricular activities, friends, and curfew?
22. Mealtimes: Early or late
23. Furniture: Vintage or contemporary
24. Sleeping habits: Four hours or eight?

More compatibility factors

If this list is not enough to help you determine whether or not your new love is right for you, try these:

1. How does your new love handle a crisis?
2. Behave in public places?
3. Treat your friends and family?
I also think you can tell a great deal about your new mate by the way he treats his mother and how she treats her father. Observing how a person regards that parent is key in establishing how he or she will treat you!

So you’ve fallen in love and the relationship seems to be blossoming. Perhaps you’re moving toward a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage? Great! Hooray for love. Hooray for you!

Hold on: Not so fast! I caution you to be sensible as you move toward a committed relationship. It’s time to determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take. Without it, you face constant battles ahead over who is controlling what and, in the end, who is controlling whom. Minor control issues when you’re dating – battles over what movie to see, and who drives to get there — can grow into major areas of contention as the relationship matures.

Control factors
Here is my checklist of 15 ways to gauge the “control factor” in your relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether taking or giving control in any of these areas is comfortable for you. After you take this short quiz, I will share with you the Big Six areas where control issues present themselves, and what your answers to the following questions indicate.

1. Who picks the restaurant? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
2. Who pours the wine? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
3. Who picks up the tab? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
4. Who tells your friends your favorite joke? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
5. Who initiates kissing? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
6. Who is the first to apologize after a lover’s spat? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
7. Who has custody of the remote control device? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
8. Who calls whom? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
9. Who leads on the dance floor? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
10. Who dominates the conversation? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
11. Who selects the car radio station? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
12. Who chooses meal times? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
13. Who makes suggestions to whom on what to wear? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
14. Who massages whose back? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
15. Who selects the weekend’s activities? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns

What your answers mean

If most of your answers are “you,” you have lots of “take” and not a lot of “give.” You may very well hit the wall over control issues later on in the course of your relationship, because your partner may only be able to tolerate your “taking” behavior for a short time.

Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don’t.

If your answers included “You/Your Partner” much of the time, you are more “give” than “take,” and you run the risk of trying to opt for control later on. Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don’t. When dating someone new, many people find it fun when their partner orders for them at a restaurant or selects the weekend activities. But over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled.

If your answers point to mostly “take turns,” your relationship has a healthy give-and-take and stands a terrific chance of going the distance. In my experience as a divorce attorney, I find that those who are not willing to “take turns” in many areas will continue to battle during the divorce process on a much grander scale.

The Big Six: What are your control issues?

The 15 questions above provide telling clues as to how you deal with what I call “The Big Six” — those areas in a relationship where control issues typically manifest themselves.

The Big Six are:

1. Money
2. Children
3. Intimacy
4. Health
5. Growth (personal and professional)
6. Fear (physical, emotional and psychological)

If you’re the one who always initiates kissing, eventually you and your partner may get into some clashes in the intimacy department. If you have disagreements or resentments during your dating period over who pays for what, you can expect money to eventually top your Big Six list of control issues.

If you’re the one who’s always rubbing your partner’s back, look out! When you become sick, you may have to make your own chicken soup. And if you’re with someone who always picks the restaurant, weekend activities or the radio station – you’re headed for a life with a dominant mate who feels the need to call all the shots.

Someone who steals the limelight to tell a couple’s favorite joke may also be the ambitious type, a partner who will always feel the need to keep achieving, and thus growth may become an issue over time.

Fear can override any relationship. Those who are compelled to always apologize, whether it is their fault or not, may, in time, wish to be free of the emotional or psychological bondage they’re experiencing.

Before you try to go the distance with your lover, gauge where you stand in the control department on these crucial Big Six issues. Decide what you’re willing to give or get — because if you don’t agree early on in your relationship, you may very well have problems once the honeymoon period is over.

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it need not always be painful. In fact, we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships even when we deeply disagree. When we reach our breaking point (as we all do), and need to walk away, we can do so in ways that make it more likely that we will come back together.

Here are seven ancient Talmudic steps to follow when confronted with a conflict. They create conversation — not denigration — and encourage us to talk about what matters most in ways that hurt the least.

1. Give Yourself a Break
Sometimes you need some distance-some time to cool off and reflect. But it should be just that, i.e., a limited amount of time after which you and the person with whom you are fighting agree to come back together and revisit the issues. A time out can be a great thing, as long as its design is to bring you back together.

2. Respect the Other Person’s Dignity

The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human being. No matter how right you think you are and how wrong they may be, don’t deny their dignity; you will do more harm than good.

3. Experience Radical Empathy
We must do everything in our power to identify with the other person and their position before fighting for our own. Simply saying that we understand their point of view is not enough–be able to argue it well and present it as if you shared it yourself.

4. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Wisdom
Before we can be their teacher, we must first become their student. We must accept that no matter how wrong someone is about one thing, they are unlikely to be wrong about everything.Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.

5. Know that Conflict Hurts Everyone
Appreciate that even when we are doing everything right in handling our relationships, we all pay a price when a conflict unfolds. Being right should not insulate us from feeling the pain that is a part of the conflict in which we are engaged.

6. Look First to Yourself
Even when we are right, we should always ask how we participate in creating and perpetuating the conflict. We all play the blame game sometimes, but it’s important to point a thumb back at ourselves before a finger at the other person.

7. Remember, Being Right is Not Enough
Remind ourselves that the only real justification for conflict with those about whom we care is that it addresses an issue, which is central to sustaining the relationship over time. If it’s just about being right, then it probably isn’t worth it.