It’s a familiar story — the two of you meet, become inseparable and fall in love…but then the tables turn and one of you wants out. At that moment, things get complicated and questions begin to arise: How do I tell this person? What will happen after the breakup? We’ve compiled some tried-and-true ways to weather the emotional storm:

Tip 1: Behave badly. Don’t try to be brave. Don’t pretend it’s OK. Scream, shout, eat badly. For once, you’ve got permission. Therapists say the sooner you hit bottom, the sooner you’ll feel better.

It’s OK to be upset at work.” Almost half of respondents confided in a co-worker after a breakup, and more than one-third have cried at work because of a breakup.

Tip 2: This person is now out of your life. Period. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT, call your ex. It’s like Chutes and Ladders. One call and you’re back at the bottom again. We’re all weak-willed, particularly when it comes to people who’ve broken our hearts. You need to get serious about this. You need a contract. Try this:

The “No-Contact” Contract

I hereby pledge that I will not prolong my anguish by attempting to contact my ex or orchestrate any elaborate “accidental” meeting with him or her. My healing has now begun, and I will avoid reopening those wounds like I would avoid a bear trap in the woods. By “contacting my ex,” I mean every single form of communication, from IM, to chat boards, to friends passing messages, to sending smoke signals from yonder mountain. I will not call or write, I will not try to reach him/her through the spirit world and I will not think about my ex. OK, I probably will think about my ex… quite a bit, in fact. But I promise that this phenomenon will diminish over time.

Signed: (Your Name Here)
Dated: (Today’s Date Here)
 
Tip 3: Life is short. Make it good for you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t? Then make the time to do it now. Better yet, pick something your ex NEVER wanted to try (or never would let you try). It’ll take your mind off things, reintroduce fun into your life and help you break unproductive thought patterns. Run away on a vacation. Join a gym. Despite all that comfort eating, many people lose weight while grieving. Rejoice! Try a little retail therapy.
“Immerse yourself in your work” and “go on vacation” were the top selections for what respondents would do just after a breakup (59 percent and 45 percent, respectively).
Chocolate and ice cream received more than 50 percent of the votes as the kind of comfort foods that would be sought out by respondents as the result of a breakup.

Tip 4: Get back in the saddle. Avoid super-quick rebounds, but don’t make excuses for not getting out there and meeting new people. Not every coffee date needs to be “the one.” Browsing online through Yahoo! Personals will cheer you up by showing you how many new options there are.

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There is nothing more glorious than falling in love! What a wonderful feeling it is when, after all that searching and seeking, you finally hook up with that compatible mate. But wait! How can you know that the person you think is right for you, is really right for you?

All you have to do is make sure that you ask the appropriate questions.

At the right time and place, I suggest the two of you exchange answers to the following questions:

1. Kids or no kids
2. Smoking or no smoking
3. Drinking or no drinking? (Same for drugs)
4. Religious beliefs: Match? Blend? Clash
5. Who works? Who stays home (especially when the kids come along)
6. Who wants to live where?
7. Who controls the checkbook
8. What is his/her personal relationship with his/her family? Too distant? Too close Too weird? Appropriate to your standards?
9. How are holidays spent? At home? With family? Alone? Vacationing
10. Windows opened or closed? Heat/AC on or off
11. What side of the bed must you (he/she) sleep on
12. Where to spend vacations? Leisure time
13. Sick: Left alone or babied
14. Appropriate gift giving: birthdays? Yuletide holidays? Special occasions
15. Who does what around the house
16. What is acceptable hygiene
17. What are his/her hobbies, pastimes
18. Preferences: Music? Movie? Book favorites
19. Favorite foods
20. Pets or no pets? What kind
21. Decisions about the children: School, church, discipline, allowance, extra curricular activities, friends, and curfew?
22. Mealtimes: Early or late
23. Furniture: Vintage or contemporary
24. Sleeping habits: Four hours or eight?

More compatibility factors

If this list is not enough to help you determine whether or not your new love is right for you, try these:

1. How does your new love handle a crisis?
2. Behave in public places?
3. Treat your friends and family?
I also think you can tell a great deal about your new mate by the way he treats his mother and how she treats her father. Observing how a person regards that parent is key in establishing how he or she will treat you!

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So you’ve fallen in love and the relationship seems to be blossoming. Perhaps you’re moving toward a long-term commitment, maybe even marriage? Great! Hooray for love. Hooray for you!

Hold on: Not so fast! I caution you to be sensible as you move toward a committed relationship. It’s time to determine if you and your partner have a healthy sense of give-and-take. Without it, you face constant battles ahead over who is controlling what and, in the end, who is controlling whom. Minor control issues when you’re dating - battles over what movie to see, and who drives to get there — can grow into major areas of contention as the relationship matures.

Control factors
Here is my checklist of 15 ways to gauge the “control factor” in your relationship. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide whether taking or giving control in any of these areas is comfortable for you. After you take this short quiz, I will share with you the Big Six areas where control issues present themselves, and what your answers to the following questions indicate.

1. Who picks the restaurant? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
2. Who pours the wine? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
3. Who picks up the tab? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
4. Who tells your friends your favorite joke? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
5. Who initiates kissing? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
6. Who is the first to apologize after a lover’s spat? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
7. Who has custody of the remote control device? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
8. Who calls whom? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
9. Who leads on the dance floor? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
10. Who dominates the conversation? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
11. Who selects the car radio station? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
12. Who chooses meal times? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
13. Who makes suggestions to whom on what to wear? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
14. Who massages whose back? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns
15. Who selects the weekend’s activities? …. You …. You/Your Partner …. Take Turns

What your answers mean

If most of your answers are “you,” you have lots of “take” and not a lot of “give.” You may very well hit the wall over control issues later on in the course of your relationship, because your partner may only be able to tolerate your “taking” behavior for a short time.

Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don’t.

If your answers included “You/Your Partner” much of the time, you are more “give” than “take,” and you run the risk of trying to opt for control later on. Ask yourself if you like being controlled. Some people do, but most don’t. When dating someone new, many people find it fun when their partner orders for them at a restaurant or selects the weekend activities. But over time, such gestures can make a person feel smothered and controlled.

If your answers point to mostly “take turns,” your relationship has a healthy give-and-take and stands a terrific chance of going the distance. In my experience as a divorce attorney, I find that those who are not willing to “take turns” in many areas will continue to battle during the divorce process on a much grander scale.

The Big Six: What are your control issues?

The 15 questions above provide telling clues as to how you deal with what I call “The Big Six” — those areas in a relationship where control issues typically manifest themselves.

The Big Six are:

1. Money
2. Children
3. Intimacy
4. Health
5. Growth (personal and professional)
6. Fear (physical, emotional and psychological)

If you’re the one who always initiates kissing, eventually you and your partner may get into some clashes in the intimacy department. If you have disagreements or resentments during your dating period over who pays for what, you can expect money to eventually top your Big Six list of control issues.

If you’re the one who’s always rubbing your partner’s back, look out! When you become sick, you may have to make your own chicken soup. And if you’re with someone who always picks the restaurant, weekend activities or the radio station - you’re headed for a life with a dominant mate who feels the need to call all the shots.

Someone who steals the limelight to tell a couple’s favorite joke may also be the ambitious type, a partner who will always feel the need to keep achieving, and thus growth may become an issue over time.

Fear can override any relationship. Those who are compelled to always apologize, whether it is their fault or not, may, in time, wish to be free of the emotional or psychological bondage they’re experiencing.

Before you try to go the distance with your lover, gauge where you stand in the control department on these crucial Big Six issues. Decide what you’re willing to give or get — because if you don’t agree early on in your relationship, you may very well have problems once the honeymoon period is over.

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Conflict is an inevitable part of life, but it need not always be painful. In fact, we all have within us the ability to sustain relationships even when we deeply disagree. When we reach our breaking point (as we all do), and need to walk away, we can do so in ways that make it more likely that we will come back together.

Here are seven ancient Talmudic steps to follow when confronted with a conflict. They create conversation — not denigration — and encourage us to talk about what matters most in ways that hurt the least.

1. Give Yourself a Break
Sometimes you need some distance-some time to cool off and reflect. But it should be just that, i.e., a limited amount of time after which you and the person with whom you are fighting agree to come back together and revisit the issues. A time out can be a great thing, as long as its design is to bring you back together.

2. Respect the Other Person’s Dignity

The one whom you are in conflict with should never lose their value as a human being. No matter how right you think you are and how wrong they may be, don’t deny their dignity; you will do more harm than good.

3. Experience Radical Empathy
We must do everything in our power to identify with the other person and their position before fighting for our own. Simply saying that we understand their point of view is not enough–be able to argue it well and present it as if you shared it yourself.

4. Acknowledge Your Partner’s Wisdom
Before we can be their teacher, we must first become their student. We must accept that no matter how wrong someone is about one thing, they are unlikely to be wrong about everything.Nobody is smart enough to be 100 percent right or dumb enough to 100 percent wrong.

5. Know that Conflict Hurts Everyone
Appreciate that even when we are doing everything right in handling our relationships, we all pay a price when a conflict unfolds. Being right should not insulate us from feeling the pain that is a part of the conflict in which we are engaged.

6. Look First to Yourself
Even when we are right, we should always ask how we participate in creating and perpetuating the conflict. We all play the blame game sometimes, but it’s important to point a thumb back at ourselves before a finger at the other person.

7. Remember, Being Right is Not Enough
Remind ourselves that the only real justification for conflict with those about whom we care is that it addresses an issue, which is central to sustaining the relationship over time. If it’s just about being right, then it probably isn’t worth it.

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It might seem silly, but think about it: Human beings are downright obsessed with sex. We fantasize about it, we buy medications for it, we build relationships around it, and…we read blogs about it!  But why? Why are people so fixated with such a simple bodily function?

A new study featured in the Archives of Sexual Behavior has discovered 237 reasons humans have sex. Some of them are not exactly surprising - many people reported they have sex because it feels good and it is fun - but some of the results might shock you. For instance, the age-old myth that men have sex for pleasure and women have sex for love is not supported by this study - men and women both reported they have sex for enjoyment and gratification.

The people who participated in the study also reported many other reasons they have sex, including: “I felt sorry for the person,” “It was for a bet,” “I wanted to feel closer to God,” “To get a job,” “I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease,” “For money,” “I wanted to get rid of my headache,” and the downright hilarious reason “I wanted to change the topic of conversation.” 

Some of these reasons are shocking, and even disturbing — but I hope these more offbeat responses don’t take the focus off the original reason behind the study, which was to help people have safer sex. As the lead author of the study, Cindy Meston, states, “You need to know why people are having sex if you’re trying to put into place a safe-sex program.”

Meston makes a good point. When we teach our children about safe sex and provide sex education in our schools, we need to consider sexuality from a young adult’s point of view. This is particularly true for teens and college students. The study, based on the responses of 444 men and women aged from 17 to 52, discovered that the college-age group ranked pleasure and enjoyment as most important. Presumably, these types of sexual situations are less planned. Thus, high schools and colleges need to cater to these young adults by handing out condoms and making birth control readily available before the possibility of sex arises. As Meston states, “If you assume people have sex because they’re in the heat of the moment, then [you tell them to] carry condoms.” However, as she says, if they are engaging in sex for another reason, “That will require a different strategy.”

The study does more than just shed light on strategies for safer sex - it may also help individuals feel more secure and confident about their sexual behaviors. For instance, someone who has sex in order to sleep better might feel comforted when they read the study and realize that many other people have sex for the same reason. Any study that can bring sexual behavior into the mainstream media and remove the stigma of human sexuality is valuable and useful in our society - the more knowledge people have about sex, the more they can enjoy it and the more they can engage in it safely.

9 Leading Reasons for Having Sex
The researchers identified nine broad themes that characterize the students’ top reasons for having sex:

1. Pure attraction to the other person in general
2. Experiencing physical pleasure
3. Expressing love
4. Having sex because of feeling desired by the other
5. Having sex to escalate the depth of the relationship
6. Curiosity or seeking new experiences
7. Marking a special occasion for celebration
8. Mere opportunity
9. Sex just happening due to seemingly uncontrollable circumstances

The study also highlights five general themes that were least frequently cited by the students.

Those themes included wanting to harm another person (their partner, rival, or a stranger), getting resources (such as a job, money, drugs, or gifts), enhancing social status, using sex as a means to a seemingly unrelated end (such as relieving a headache), or having sex out of duty or pressure.

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Have Sex
The researchers broke down the leading reasons why men and women have sex. Eight of the top 10 reasons were shared by men and women.

Here are women’s top 10 reasons for having sex:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
3. It feels good.
4. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
5. I wanted to express my love for the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was “horny.”
8. It’s fun.
9. I realized I was in love.
10. I was “in the heat of the moment.”
     

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Have Sex
In the study, men’s top 10 reasons for having sex are quite similar to the women’s list. Here are men’s top 10 reasons for having sex, according to the study:

1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It’s fun.
5. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I was “horny.”
8. I wanted to express my love for the person.
9. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
10. I wanted to please my partner.
     

For the full original study click here ….

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