As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks in the first place.

1. Delineate “yours,” “mine,” and “ours.” If you have finances that should be placed in each of these three categories (for example, you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about your time away from “together” activities, like he wants to bowl with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations. Doing so will make the relationship stronger.

2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you’re busy working and attending meetings, but how important are those things if your relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking in a movie. Take regular vacations together — at least a couple of long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations (more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.

3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly, eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking at you, but you’ll feel better about yourself.

4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated, angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.

5. Criticize gently. Don’t judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and considerate.

6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a “just because” way. Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your partner all over again.

7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your partner’s pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite meal when you know she’s had an impossible day, or entice him into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had burns forever.

8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for one another in the form of the “terms” of your relationship together. Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments (needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down a relationship.

9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it’s a good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each other — whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to allow such a “contract” to ruin your relationship.

By relationship expert Stacy D. Phillips for Hitched

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1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
   When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, “This is so not what I signed up for.”Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.
2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.
   Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naivete, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.”It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
   Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it.You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”
4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
   I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.”
5. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.
   Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.
6. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.
   Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic “Making Mr. Right?” When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.
   There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.
7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.
   There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen.I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

By Ylonda Gault - RedBook Magazine

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What makes love last a lifetime? Affection? Yep. Respect? Sure. But a great relationship is not just about what you have. It’s about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed.  

Every couple needs to take certain steps — six, to be precise — that turn the two of you into not just you and me but we. You may not move through all the steps in order, and you may circle back to complete certain steps again (and again and again). But if you make it through them all, you’ll be well on your way toward creating a relationship that will be your shelter as long as you both shall live. Here’s how to make your “forever” fantastic. 

Step #1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
It’s easy to get caught up in the small stuff of a life together: What’s for dinner tonight? Whose turn is it to clean the litter box? Did you pay the electric bill? But the best partners never lose sight of the fact that they’re working together to achieve the same big dreams. “Successful couples quickly develop a mindfulness of ‘us,’ of being coupled,” says Redbook Love Network expert Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. “They have a shared vision, saying things like, ‘We want to plan to buy a house, we want to take a vacation to such-and-such a place, we like to do X, we think we want to start a family at Y time.’”  

 
This kind of dream-sharing starts early. “Couples love to tell the story of how they met,” points out Julie Holland, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. “It’s like telling a fairy tale. But happy couples will go on creating folklore and history, with the meet-cute forming the bedrock of the narrative.” As you write and rewrite your love story (”our hardest challenge was X, our dream for retirement is Y”), you continually remind yourselves and each other that you’re a team with shared values and goals. And P.S.: When you share a dream, you’re a heck of a lot more likely to make that dream come true. 

 
Step #2: Choose each other as your first family.
For years, you were primarily a member of one family: the one in which you grew up. Then you got married, and suddenly you became the foundation of a new family, one in which husband and wife are the A-team. It can be tough to shift your identity like this, but it’s also an important part of building your self-image as a duo (and maybe, eventually, as three or four or…). 

 
For me, making this transition meant stopping the incessant complaining to my mom when I was mad at my husband — my behavior was disloyal, and I had to learn to talk to Jonathan, not about him. My friend Lynn tells the story of her mother’s reaction to a trip to the Middle East she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) had planned. Her mother hit the roof, calling incessantly to urge Lynn not to go. Eventually, Lynn’s boyfriend got on the phone with Mom and explained why they were excited to share this experience. “It was clear then that we were the team,” Lynn says now. “Not teaming up against my mother, but teaming up together to deal with her issues.” 

 
Whatever your challenges — an overprotective mom? an overly critical father-in-law? — you have to outline together the boundaries between you and all of the families connected to you. Not only will you feel stronger as a united front but when you stick to your shared rules, all that family baggage will weigh on you a lot less. 

 
Step #3: Learn how to fight right.
I’m embarrassed to think of how I coped with conflict early in my relationship with Jonathan. I stormed out — a lot. I once threw an apple at his head. Hard. (Don’t worry, I missed — on purpose.) I had a terrible habit of threatening divorce at the slightest provocation. But eventually I figured that this was pretty moronic. I didn’t want out, and I knew that pelting someone with fruit was not a long-term marital strategy. 

 
“Fighting is the big problem every couple has to deal with,” says Daniel B. Wile, Ph.D., a psychologist and couples therapist in Oakland, CA, and author of “After the Fight”. That’s because fights will always come up, so every couple needs to learn how to fight without tearing each other apart. 

 
Fighting right doesn’t just mean not throwing produce; it means staying focused on the issue at hand and respecting each other’s perspective. Couples that fight right also find ways to defuse the tension, says Wile — often with humor. “Whenever one of us wants the other to listen up, we mime hitting the TV remote, a thumb pressing down on an invisible mute button,” says Nancy, 52, an event producer in San Francisco. “It cracks us up, in part because it must look insane to others.” Even if you fight a lot, when you can find a way to turn fights toward the positive — with a smile, a quick apology, an expression of appreciation for the other person — the storm blows away fast, and that’s what matters. 

 
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Jonathan and I both work at home. This frequently leads to murderous impulses. Though I’m typing away in the bedroom and he’s talking to his consulting clients in our small home office, most days it really feels like too much intimacy for me. 

But that’s my bias. When it comes to togetherness, every couple has its own unique sweet spot. “There are couples that are never apart and there are couples that see each other only on weekends,” Greer says. With the right balance, neither partner feels slighted or smothered. You have enough non-shared experiences to fire you up and help you maintain a sense of yourself outside the relationship — not to mention give you something to talk about at the dinner table. But you also have enough time together to feel your connection as a strong tie rather than as a loose thread. 

 
Your togetherness needs will also change over time, so you’ll have to shift your balance accordingly. “My husband and I spend a lot of time together, but it’s almost all family time,” says Katie, 40, a mom of two in San Leandro, CA. “We realized a few months ago that we hadn’t had a conversation that didn’t involve the kids or our to-do lists in ages, so we committed to a weekly date. We were so happy just to go to the movies and hold hands, something we hadn’t done in ages. It felt like we were dating again!” 

 
Step #5: Build a best friendship.
Think about the things that make your closest friendships irreplaceable: the trust that comes with true intimacy, the willingness to be vulnerable, the confidence that the friendship can withstand some conflict. Don’t those sound like good things to have in your relationship with your signficant other, too? 

 
“Happy couples are each other’s haven,” says Holland. “They can count on the other person to listen and try to meet their needs.” Greer adds, “When you’re true friends, you acknowledge and respect what the other person is; you don’t try to control or change them. This creates a sense of safety and security when you’re together — you know you’re valued for who you are and you see the value in your partner.” 

 
Then there’s the way, when you’ve been with someone a while, that you become almost a mind reader. You have a shared history and inside jokes. Your guy knows what you’ll find funny, you forward him links to articles you know he’ll enjoy, and best of all, you two can make eye contact at a given moment and say volumes without opening your mouths. And is there anything more pleasurable than sharing the newspaper with someone? Sitting in companionable silence, absorbed in your respective reading, sipping coffee, occasionally reading something out loud, but mostly just lazing happily together, communing without needing to speak? Ahh…. 

 
Step #6: Face down a major challenge together.
You’re sailing along through life, and suddenly you hit a huge bump. A serious illness. Unemployment. The loss of a home. A death in the family. How do you cope? 

The truth is, you never know how strong your relationship is until it’s tested. All too often, the stress of a crisis can pull a couple apart. But the good news is, when you do make it through in one piece, you might just find yourselves tighter than ever. 

 
“What didn’t happen to us?” says Daryl, 28, a preschool teacher in Harrisburg, PA. “My husband lost his job and took a minimum-wage job he was way overqualified for just to make ends meet. He was offered a better job in a mountain town outside San Diego, so we moved. Then during the California wildfires several years ago, our house burned down and we lost everything. We were living in a one-room converted garage with no running water and a newborn. But we found that this chaos somehow brought us even closer together. We took turns losing it. We really kept each other sane.” 

 
Hey, being a couple is no roll in the hay. It’s tough, real work. But the reward, the edifice you build together that will shelter you through years of tough times, is more than worth the effort. The small, friendly cottage you build — decorated with your shared history and stories, filled with color and laughter — will be the warmest and safest retreat you can imagine. 

By Marjorie Ingall for Redbook

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People around the world have been talking about a movie so powerful that it can change the course of your life. This movie, The Secret, was created by Australian Rhonda Byrne, and she says that if you follow its philosophy, you can create the life you want—whether that means getting out of debt, finding a more fulfilling job or even falling in love.

Rhonda says she stumbled on what she calls The Secret at the end of 2004. At the time, everything in Rhonda’s life had fallen apart—physically, emotionally and financially—and she was in “total despair.” Then her father died suddenly, and she was worried about her grief-stricken mother. “I wept and wept and wept, and I didn’t want my daughter to see me sobbing,” Rhonda says.

That’s when Rhonda’s daughter gave her a copy of The Science of Getting Rich, a book written in 1910 by Wallace D. Wattles. “Something inside of me had me turn the pages one by one, and I can still remember my tears hitting the pages as I was reading it,” Rhonda says. “It gave me a glimpse of The Secret. It was like a flame inside of my heart. And with every day since, it’s just become a raging fire of wanting to share all of this with the world.”
After that first discovery, Rhonda read hundreds of books, listened to hundreds of hours of audio tapes and scoured the Internet for more information. She says she traced the idea of The Secret through history—all the way from 3500 B.C. to the present day. “Since I discovered The Secret, every single moment of my entire life has changed, and I am living my life for the first time,” Rhonda says.

Rhonda defines The Secret as the law of attraction, which is the principle that “like attracts like.” Rhonda calls it “the most powerful law in the universe,” and says it is working all the time. “What we do is we attract into our lives the things we want, and that is based on what we’re thinking and feeling,” Rhonda says. The principle explains that we create our own circumstances by the choices we make in life. And the choices we make are fueled by our thoughts—which means our thoughts are the most powerful things we have here on earth.

To help teach the philosophy, Rhonda created the DVD The Secret, which features experts including the Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith, James Arthur Ray, Lisa Nichols and Jack Canfield—who not only teach other people about The Secret, but say they are successful in their own lives because they know and use the principle.

The Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith says he was a drug dealer in college—until he was arrested in a deal gone bad. Michael says he had a spiritual awakening during his trial and decided to turn his life around. Today he leads the Agape Spiritual Center in Los Angeles, where he teaches thousands of faithful followers the path to reaching their highest potential.

James Arthur Ray was insecure and awkward as a teenager until weight lifting helped the self-described geek gain confidence in his 20s. He says that surviving a near-fatal motorcycle crash and almost going bankrupt forced him to focus on the life he truly wanted. Now he runs a multimillion-dollar corporation dedicated to teaching people how to create wealth in all areas of their lives.

Lisa Nichols grew up on the tough streets of South Central Los Angeles. She admits that as a self-conscious teenager, she often used sex to feel loved by men. After hitting rock bottom at age 19, Lisa prayed for a better life. Now, she has made her fortune by motivating more than 60,000 teenagers to make better choices in their own lives.

Chicken Soup for the Soul creator Jack Canfield was deep in debt before he made it big. Now his best-selling books have sold more than 100 million copies worldwide, and Jack travels the country teaching the secret of his success.

The law of attraction means that everything that happens to you—good or bad—you attract to yourself. Lisa describes it as if you’re placing an order. “If you were at a restaurant and you ordered something, you fully expect it to come served that way. That’s how the universe is. You’re putting out orders—consciously and unconsciously,” Lisa says. “So if you say, ‘I’ll never have a great relationship,’ you just placed an order.”

Jack says everything you focus on can have an effect on your life—from books to magazines to thoughts. “All of that affects how we feel, and the feelings actually send out a wave into the universe, and anything that’s vibrating in a similar level gets attracted into our life,” Jack says.

“Most people focus on how it is. We talk about our current reality—’I'm in debt. I’m overweight. I’m not happy. I’m sad. The world’s not working. We’re at war,’ whatever. And the more you think about that and focus on that and talk about it, the more you attract that [negativity],” he says.

Although thoughts are powerful, Jack says the feelings that the thoughts generate are what actually attract things into our lives. “Too many times people are thinking a thought like, ‘I want to be my perfect body weight of 185 pounds.’ But they look at the scale and they see 205 and they think, ‘But I’ll never make it,’ … so they feel bad,” Jack says. Instead of wallowing in those negative thoughts, you need to find the positive in the situation. Jack says you should stop feeling bad about the weight, and instead feel positive that you are willing to do something healthy to make your life better. Carrying with you those positive feelings is one key to your success.

James says that in order to attract the things you want into your life—to place the right order—you have to do what he calls going “three for three.” “Your thoughts, your feelings and your actions all have to be firing simultaneously in the same direction,” he says. Visualizing your future life can help to hone your thoughts and feelings toward the things you want.

The panel says the thoughts and the feelings are often easy for people to grasp, but you still have to do something about them. “A lot of people watch The Secret and they say, ‘Well, I’m sitting around visualizing my millions coming into my lap.’ Well, they’ll come take your furniture away. And then how are you going to visualize [when you're living] on the curb?” James says. “You’ve got to act on it. Make decisions on where you’re going versus where you have been.”

Jack says that everything in the world is made up of energy, which is controlled by thoughts and feelings. According to Jack, thoughts can travel long distances, so you are sending out signals to many people without even knowing it, and these signals attract like energy to you.

Jack and James say that this means there is no such thing as a coincidence. “Everything happens by principles and laws in our universe. And so consequently, we have an absolutely unlimited power within us,” James says.

Michael says that thoughts—which turn into experience, speech and behavior—become the “feeling tone of your life.” “An individual can actually begin to generate a certain feeling of gratitude, of love, of peace and of harmony, and the universe will begin to match that feeling tone—and what will flow into your life will match the feeling that you’re holding,” he says. “It means that everyone…can release themselves from being a victim and begin to take control of their life’s destiny.”

Gratitude is one example of the magnetic force of the universe. “Basically, nothing new can come into your life unless you open yourself up to being grateful [for what you already have],” Michael says.

“If you think about it, the universe has a conveyor belt of presents lined up for you, and until you receive the one and fully are grateful for it, the next one can’t come out of the chute. It’s all lined up,” Jack says.

Lisa says this perspective applies to weight, family, friends and other aspects of life. She says too many people who want to make things better focus on what’s wrong with the present. “Instead of wanting to change it, appreciate what’s there,” Lisa says. “Find the things about it that work … and by doing that, you create a space for it to get better.”

For example, Lisa says she would like to lose some weight. But instead of focusing on the negative—that she hasn’t dropped the pounds yet—she loves and appreciates the present moment. “I accept it. I love it. I embrace every inch, every pound,” she says. In this way, Lisa is creating the space to “celebrate the now” and then invite better things into her life.

According to the panel members, much of the energy that people project into the world is done unconsciously. “People aren’t walking around thinking, ‘I want a bad thing to happen to me,’ but there’s an unconscious fear. There’s a doubt. There’s a worry. There’s a sense of separation there that’s running them,” Michael says. He adds that spiritual growth is “allowing that which is unconscious to become conscious.”

Michael says that spiritual growth does not mean religion but our “real identity.” “The love, the peace, the joy, the wisdom, the harmony—these are all qualities of the spirit that it’s seeking to express through us,” Michael says. “And so as we become more awake, more aware of that, our life is filled with that kind of vibration, that kind of feeling tone. To grow spiritually is to actually become more aware of who you really are.”

Ryan Bell, a single mother of a 4-year-old, is currently $43,000 in debt. “I’m just in over my head,” she says.

Ryan says her financial woes started back in college when she took out loans. After college, Ryan got a job, got pregnant and got married. To cope with the new bills, the couple opened more credit cards, and Ryan helped put her husband through school. Then the unthinkable happened: She and her husband got divorced—and Ryan’s debt worsened. “I went from living on two incomes to living on one income, but I kept the same bills,” Ryan says.

To support herself and her daughter, Ryan works long hours at a high-end clothing store. After her daughter goes to bed, Ryan works at her second job, a home-based Internet business. “It could be huge, but I can’t spend the amount of time on it that I need to to make it successful,” she says.

Now, Ryan sees every day as a struggle and won’t even go to the mailbox because she knows there are bills waiting for her. “I’m sick and tired of being a victim,” Ryan says. “How do I get out of this endless cycle of debt?”

Ryan’s choices have attracted debt to her, the panel says. To attract a solution, Jack says Ryan should turn her focus from her debt to what she knows her life will be like when she’s financially free.

Simply changing her language can also start to make a dent in her debt. When asked how she is, Lisa says she shouldn’t respond with phrases like “I’m surviving.” “That’s not the kind of life you want to live,” Lisa says. “When people ask me how I’m doing, [I say], ‘I’m phenomenal. I’m great’. Even in the midst of all—I’m great,” she says. “I’m great because I made it through.”

James, especially, can relate to Ryan’s troubles, having been on the edge of bankruptcy twice himself. He urges Ryan to take an “action step” toward her dreams. For Ryan, that’s starting a debt retirement program to pay a certain amount of money toward her credit automatically so she can focus every bit of energy on financial freedom.

Still, the most important stride toward a debt-free life, Michael says, is forgiving her ex-husband and to stop feeling like he owes her something. “Let him know in consciousness, in your awareness, that he cannot determine your destiny. You’re not leaving him unaccountable, but you’re severing those emotional vibratory tonalities so that you can be free.”

True forgiveness, James says, is when you can say the following to the person who hurt you: “Thank you for giving me that experience.”

But how can you forgive when something truly tragic or terrible happens? James says you should grieve, but eventually you need to look for a hidden gift. “Here’s what I encourage people to ask themselves: How does this serve me? … If you’re really willing to dig, there’s a lesson in there,” James says. “And secondly, what can I learn from this situation?”

Even if you can’t identify the gift now, Rhonda says to remain positive in order to benefit from of the law of attraction. “You can say, ‘There are so many gifts in this for me. I can’t wait to see what they are,’” Rhonda says.

In chronic situations with no end in sight, Michael says you should ask yourself another important question: “If this were to last forever, what quality would I have to grow to have peace of mind? Now, as my attention goes to the quality I have to grow, that quality starts to emerge,” Michael says. “The issue that I’m resisting and fighting against becomes less and less intense … it begins to dissolve because it doesn’t have your attention any longer.”

Panel member Lisa Nichols says her life was spiraling out of control before she learned The Secret. She grew up in South Central Los Angeles, where there were gangs, poverty and violence.

In fifth grade, Lisa was in the first class to be bused to the Valley—a predominantly white neighborhood—where she thought she would be welcomed. Instead, she was met with name-calling. “My self-esteem went way down,” she says.

Although she eventually became a popular student, Lisa struggled with depression. “At 17, when my best friends were thinking what college to go to, UCLA or USC, I was contemplating suicide and trying to figure out how to do it without getting blood on my mother’s carpet because I knew they couldn’t afford to move,” she says.

Growing up, Lisa was also told that she wasn’t pretty and wouldn’t find love. She began having “a lot of sex looking for a little love,” searching for her own validation in men. “The sex led to a lot of pain. I thought if I was saying no to the sex, I was saying no to potential love. And I didn’t want to say no to love.”

Lisa began to gain weight in order to avoid men altogether. After gaining 100 pounds, Lisa says she was obese and embarrassed.

Finally, Lisa reached a turning point. “I got on my knees and I said, ‘God, if you bring me through this … I promise I will spend every moment, every breath, supporting and encouraging others to do the same,’” she says.

Lisa decided to stop being a victim. She stopped looking for love elsewhere and fell “madly in love” with herself. Now, she teaches people how to treat her. “I’m the first example of how the world is supposed to love me and I have to give them the best example ever,” she says. “We expect someone to show us our greatness when [instead] I’m supposed to show up understanding my greatness and allowing you to celebrate it with me.”

After 16 years of marriage, Carlton and Beverly Credelle say the passion in their marriage had fizzled. “It just felt as though our life was just mundane, really passionless, almost emotionless,” Beverly says. “Like I didn’t have his mind anymore, his soul, his heart.” At one point, the couple hadn’t been intimate in a year.

Then, Beverly watched The Secret. “For the record, I’ve seen it 62 times. But the first time is when that lightbulb went off,” she says. Beverly realized she was part of the problem. She stopped complaining and began to focus on her gratitude for Carlton. “I started telling myself, ‘I am beautiful. I do deserve passion. I am in a passion-filled marriage.’”

Things changed immediately after Carlton also watched the DVD. Soon, he started making romantic gestures, like taking Beverly out for lunch dates and calling her during the day. She began doing little things for him, too—leaving him a rose in his car and surprising him with his favorite cookies.

Michael says Carlton and Beverly are an example of how gratitude brings about change. “My marriage now is wonderful,” Carlton says. “I feel the passion. I’m loving it.”

Launell is successful in all areas of her life—except when it comes to taking off the baby weight she started gaining 14 years ago.

The first step, James says, is to be grateful for her health and choose to stay healthy and whole. “I want you to start every single day … saying, ‘Thank you for the health I have.’ Say, ‘I love my legs because they’re working functionally,’” James says. “Concentrate on your health and wholeness every day, and you’ll attract more health and wholeness every day.”

Lisa says Launell also has to believe she has the right to have the body she wants. “Make a decision. Do you have the right? Are you ready for it? Are you ready to look in the mirror and love every inch?” Lisa says. “Make 2007 about showing up in the now for you,” Lisa says.

Repeating after Lisa, Launell declares, “I choose today to give myself the best life ever!”

You can start living the The Secret today by following three simple steps: Ask. Believe. Receive.

Michael says to start making a conscious effort every day to take actions that will sync with the energy of the life you dream about. “When you’re talking about action, you’re talking about walking in the direction you want,” Michael says.

But not just any action will do, James says. It has to be one that comes from the heart and will provide a real service. “It’s not, ‘If you build it, they will come,’ necessarily. It’s, ‘If you build it and it provides value, they will come,’” he says. “It’s that heart space. Not ‘What can I get?’ but ‘What can I give and how can I serve?’ And when you’re in that moment, the universe lines up behind you and it’s at your command.”

From: The Oprah Winfrey Show - The Secret

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