What brings the most happiness into people’s lives? As children, we dream of mansions, wallowing Richie Rich-like in piles of money, or super powers — or at least the powers to make it possible for us to do whatever our parents are not permitting at the time. That would make us happy; especially the piles of money, we are sure.

Martin Seligman, founder of the positive psychology movement in the 1990s, has reassessed his position that rather than focusing on problems, psychologists and the public at large ought to focus on happy moments, according to a New York Times May 20 article. As he studied happiness, Dr Seligman noticed that things that supposedly made people happy were being undertaken even when not providing satisfaction; hardly a pursuit of happiness.

What does make people satisfied, according to Dr Seligman, is a feeling of “flourishing,” in which feeling good is married with “good relationships and accomplishment.”

Sonja Lybulomirsky, writing in the August 10, 2010, issue of Scientific American article “Can Money Buy Happiness?,” believes that yes, money can buy happiness. That is, if the money is spent in particular ways. Having lots of money to spend on activities that help one grow as a person; on experiences, rather than material possessions; on small pleasures, not big items; or on a hard-won “splurge,” actually can make people feel happy, Ms Lybulomirsky suggested.

Her belief that it is experiences and seemingly insignificant items that bring true joy, not the money itself, and Dr Seligman’s supposition that relationships and accomplishments make people feel good, seem to jibe with what I have found in interviewing people for the “Snapshot” column, for The Newtown Bee.

“Snapshot” is a brief profile of local people that appears weekly in the paper. Most of the questions are static from week to week, month to month, and year to year: What do you do for an occupation? Who are your family members? Do you have pets? What is your personal philosophy?

A few of the questions are changed up, depending on the interview. One of the questions I throw out on occasion is, “What makes you laugh?” Another is, “What makes you happiest?”

What makes people laugh is quite a different question, with a very different response than that of “What makes you happiest.” People are tickled by comedians, funny videos, hilarious movies, and good jokes. They like to chuckle over pets’ antics and silly slip-ups. What elicits a hearty “Ho, ho, ho,” for some is the sound of other people laughing, because laughter is contagious. People like to laugh, and laughing does make people happy.

Interestingly, the answers to “What makes you happiest?” has yet to bring forth the answer of “My fat bank account,” or “My expansive property acquisitions,” or even, “My Lamborghini,” or “My private jet.”

It is not things that makes the people I have interviewed happiest, but rather places, moments, and other people. It is not even other people doing things for them that make them feel good. Just being in the presence of certain people can bring a feeling of contentment and joy.

“Doing something we all enjoy, something exciting or just cuddling, sitting with them, or playing a game together,” makes one person happiest.

“My family is everything,” says another, finding true happiness when the entire clan is gathered together.

Children and grandchildren bring joy. “I love spending time with the grandkids. I love to watch the little ones and the little things they do,” said a proud grandfather, echoed by another who is happiest when he knows that his family is living well and comfortably. “Spending time with them makes me happiest,” he said.

When the family is all together, “Feeling that connection makes me happiest,” another Snapshot interviewee told me.

Over and over again, I hear that “family and friends close by,” whether involved in high adventure or lolling in the backyard, gives people a sense of happiness. “If you have a bad day,” one pointed out, “your family is still happy to see you. Especially, the dog.”

Happiness can be found for others in appreciation of the world around, or even the world within.

“A day in the woods, alone,” commented one person interviewed. “Being in the woods, you see the bigger picture,” he said, and puts him in a meditative state.

“I enjoy walking through the forest and seeing the play of colors with the sky, and the different colors and textures around me. That makes me happy inside,” commented another.

Quiet time that allows for reflection can bring happiness to life. “When I feel most at peace with myself,” responded one person to my question of what made her happiest. “Then I’m able to spread that around to my husband, kids, and friends. Then I can be my best for them,” she said.

Another responded, “It’s the little things in life that make me happiest. Knowing that I’m going to be fine, no matter what,” she said, and noted that dabbling in new experiences also made her happy.

It is the ability to find comedy in even the most challenging moments of life, is another response I heard. The ability to laugh at oneself and find the silver lining behind the cloud can bring happiness, as can the sense of unity with a bigger collective. “What makes me happiest? When the Red Sox win, and when the Red Sox beat the Yankees,” declared one person, and vice-versa, according to another.

Time well spent with family and friends, and reveling in the wonders of nature, brings solace. Others are happiest when reaching out to others, through teaching, volunteer work, or rescue operations.

They are simple answers to a complex question. What makes one happy at one stage in life may not be as fulfilling somewhere else along the way. “Snapshot” is just one photograph in the family album of our town, and Newtown is just a little snapshot of the world.

Still, the people I interview come from different places and experiences, and are of different ages. What I see is that happiness is not a commodity. Happiness is a place inside, and people outside, and a simple pleasure derived from simple appreciation.

Life is, as songwriter Stephen Sondheim wrote, happiness indeed.

If you are ready to change your life and stop “spining your wheels”→ Join us here right now and start living the life “YOU” want to live …

By Nancy K. Crevier

Happiness interview:  Meghan O’Rourke.

Meghan O’Rourke is a writer in many incarnations — an essayist, poet, critic, and editor. I got to know Meghan during the time that my blog appeared on Slate , and I was very eager to get my hands on her new book.

The Long Goodbye is a memoir of her mother’s death from cancer in 2008, at the age of 55, when Meghan was 32 years old. Going through great unhappiness is one of the best, and most difficult, teachers of happiness, so I was very interested to hear what Meghan had to say.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Meghan: Taking a walk. I used to run a lot, and that always made me happier (even if I was unhappy lacing up my shoes to do it). But I tore the cartilage in my right hip and need surgery – so I can’t run anymore. The injury happened about 9 months after my mother died, and running had been one of my ways of dealing. This has been a real challenge. But I realized that I could walk instead, and over time I’ve come to see that slowing down and taking things in – rather than running through them like a linebacker – might be good for me.

Generally, reading a good book makes me happy. Reading Anne of Green Gables or T. H. White’s The Once and Future King always is great, and I return to them when I’m particularly low. And learning does too. There is a beautiful passage in The Book of Merlyn, the prequel to The Once and Future King, about this, and after my mother died it was a kind of lifeline for me:

“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder in your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewer of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then—to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it.”

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I guess that it comes and goes. When I’m unhappy, I know that the worst part of it will pass if I just stick it out; I can survive it. At the same time – and this is more complicated, and may seem to contradict what I just said – I have a stronger sense that certain kinds of pain do stay with us and shape us profoundly. My mother’s death on Christmas Day 2008 taught me that. The shaping isn’t all for ill, though it can be challenging to remember that.

Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Not sleeping enough. Not exercising. Obvious things. One that’s less obvious, to me at least: I can be a workaholic. Sometimes I look up, feeling lonely, and realize I haven’t seen my friends or gotten out of the house for a few days. Not seeing people always makes me feel down, even though I sometimes think it will feel good to just hole up and be quiet.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself that “There is only love.”)
My mother used to say, “Lighten up, Meg,” when I got uptight about little things. It was her way of saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” She knew that I was anxious, and a little obsessive, and that sometimes I let the world seem darker than it needed to. Now that she’s gone, I say that to myself – usually when fretting that I said the wrong thing to so-and-so, or made the wrong call about something at work, or some such. Or when I wanted to do x and instead got stuck doing y – but it really doesn’t matter.

Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Sweating the small stuff; not taking time to feel grateful. I know these are things you talk about a lot on your blog – but actively taking the time to feel grateful can change your day radically. After my mother’s death the only way I got through the worst months of grieving was in trying to identify beauty. It sounds corny, and I probably would have laughed at myself for this once upon a time, but I would make myself try to find several beautiful things in the day and not let myself spiral into anxiety that they might someday disappear.

Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I do work on being happier. When my mother died, she basically told me to try to enjoy my life more. So now I take more care with boring things – like trying to go to bed at the same time, eat well, exercise a little every day. I try to notice when something feels bad, or spending time with someone leaves me feeling deflated. And I tell myself most of the things that I get worried about truly don’t matter. I have a fairly hokey routine of trying to remind myself of the largeness of the universe and the minuteness of my place in it.

Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Great question. I once moved to a bigger apartment in a remoter location thinking that the space would make me happier. In fact, I missed feeling in the thick of things – and preferred having a smaller place to feeling lonely.

The real surprise though has been what happened to me after my mother died: I remember feeling that nothing good could ever happen again, that her death was a painful force of ill in my life. But two and a half years on I can see that there were things that have come out of it that have helped me – I learned to relax a bit, paradoxically, because the thing I was most frightened of happened, and I survived. In a strange way, it has made me more grateful, and I think a lot of stuff is much funnier than I used to. (Particularly my own failures and pretensions.) In a sense, I’m so grateful not to be in the kind of pain I was right after she died that lots of little things seem pretty extraordinary – and big things, too, like the fact that loss can connect you to other people who have suffered. Ironically, I made friends with people because I was grieving and they came forward to help – and it forced us into a kind of closeness we might not otherwise have had.

* I’m now officially obsessed with the sense of smell, so was intrigued by this post, Curious about…Sillage on the terrific site The Curiosity Chronicles. I’d never heard the wonderful term “sillage,” which is French for “wake” (as in the wake left by a boat) and is also used to describe how a perfume leaves behind its scent.

* Father’s Day is coming soon! (June 19 in the U.S., UK, and Canada.) For your consideration…The Happiness Project (can’t resist mentioning: #1 New York Times bestseller). To make a book gift more special, perhaps you’d like a signed, personalized bookplate — or for an ebook or audio book, perhaps you’d like a signed, personalized signature card, with Paradoxes of Happiness on the back. If so, email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. Feel free to ask for as many as you’d like, for yourself or for a gift; I’ll mail anywhere in the world; they’re free — and please remember to include your mailing address.

by Gretchen Rubin

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I love reading lists of things to do before you die, but after reading several of these lists, I’ve realized that each list is a very personal thing. It can only apply to the writer of the list, and not to all human beings in general. No such list can do that.

And think about this: if you’re trying to follow a list of things to do before you die … trying to check things off the list, just to say you’ve done it … what’s the point, really? To be able to tell people you’ve done it? To follow the life prescription of some writer?

I won’t try to tell you what to do before you die … but I will suggest some questions to figure out how to live … right now. Each and every day.

Because you never know how much time you have left, and trying to cram a list of things into that unknown time can be futile. Instead, live every day to the fullest. Get the most out of life.

1. Who do I love, and what am I doing about it? When someone dies (two of my kids’ grandmother just died, so I’ve been thinking about this a lot), you realize that you never know how much time you have with the people you love. They can go at any time — as can you. And so you must make the most of this time.

If you aren’t spending time with the people you love, change that. If you are holding a grudge against a family member, let it go and reconcile. If you’ve done something to hurt a loved one, ask for forgiveness. Drop the pride, and make up. If you haven’t seen someone in awhile, call them now to set up a date.

2. Am I pursuing my dream, or is fear stopping me? What have you always wanted to do? Maybe something you dreamed of as a child but have given up as unrealistic? Maybe something you still want to do but are afraid of failing? What fears are stopping you? And what would be the worst that could happen if you overcame those fears and pursued your dream?

If you’re already pursuing your dream, pat yourself on the back. You’re doing awesome!

3. Am I doing something that matters? There’s a difference between doing work, and doing work that really matters. Much of the time, we use up the few days we have on this earth with busy-work, stuff that doesn’t make much difference, and that’s sadly a waste of our lives.

Recently on Dumb Little Man, writer Ali Hale suggested you ask yourself, “Will this matter in five years?” I think this is a great question. It helps you distinguish between trivial busy-work that will take up all of your time but not matter in a few years, and tasks and projects and goals with high impact that will make a difference, in your career, in your life, in the lives of others.

4. What am I doing to help others? Kind of ironically, you get the most out of life not just by taking what you can for yourself, but by giving to others. What have you done lately to help people out? Have you been kind to people? Have you been compassionate? Have you been there for anyone? Listened? Volunteered for those in need? If you’re not doing anything to help others, this is a good time to figure out one thing you can do for someone, and put it into action. Ask this question on a regular basis, and you’ll make kindness a habit.

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.” – Albert Einstein

5. Am I as good a person as I want to be? I ask this of myself all the time. Sometimes, when I’m impatient or selfish or less-than-helpful, I think back on what I’ve said and done and realize that I could have done better. Instead of beating myself up about it, I endeavor to try harder, to remember to allow my better angels to guide me, to rise above the trivialities of life to a higher plane.

It’s not easy to be a good person, at least not all of the time. It’s easier to be selfish, without thinking about it. But is that how you want to be remembered? Is that how you want to live your life? Give it some thought, and act accordingly.

6. What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy? You can do all the right things, and yet live a life that’s dull and sluggish. If you let your health go, you will have little energy and you will waste the minutes you have left on illness. Instead, learn to live a healthy life, with good foods and exercise. This will lead to more energy in your life. And then direct that energy into something you’re passionate about. If you haven’t found that passion (or passions), start looking. You’ll thank me.

“We are always getting ready to live but never living.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Leo Babauta is a writer, a marathoner, an early riser, a vegan, and a father of six. He blogs regularly about achieving goals through daily habits on Zen Habits, and covers such topics as productivity, GTD, simplifying, frugality, parenting, happiness, motivation, exercise, eating healthy and more.

“What do you do when you feel sad?” people often ask me. (Some even ask, “Do you ever get sad?”)

Yes, of course my kids and I both feel sadness, anger, anxiety — sometimes downright misery — just like everyone else. Leading a joyful life does not mean always trying to be happy.

At the same time, I’m not really one for rumination. Meaning: My kids and I feel our feelings — often deeply — and then, if the feelings are negative, we try to move on. If the feelings are positive, we try to savor them, to hang on to them.

When people hear that I encourage my kids to move on from unpleasant feelings, many of them worry. “Well, make sure you aren’t denying their negative emotions,” I’ve been warned, “or sending the message that bad feelings are bad and should be avoided.”

Rest assured: My kids do know that all feelings, good or bad, are okay. They know that I see emotions like sadness, frustration, anxiety and jealousy as windows into their world, and that I love to hear about everything that’s happening with them, whether positive or negative. I do not encourage them to buck up, or stuff it down; I do not say things to them like, “You’re fine.”

But I do encourage my kids to move on from bad feelings, because rumination is bad for you. As psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky explains in her great book “The How of Happiness“:

“Overthinking ushers in a host of adverse consequences: It sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negatively biased thinking, impairs a person’s ability to solve problems, saps motivation, and interferes with concentration and initiative. Moreover, although people have a strong sense that they are gaining insight into themselves and their problems during their ruminations, this is rarely the case. What they do gain is a distorted, pessimistic perspective on their lives.”

Suffice it to say, in my household when something negative happens we practice the skills that we need to be able to let go of a grudge and not ruminate.

I’ve written before about teaching kids how to forgive. Today I’d like to expand a little on how I help my kids feel better after they’ve been feeling badly.

1) Accept the negative feelings.

The key to this is not to deny what we are feeling, but rather to lean into our feelings, even if they are painful. Take a moment to be mindful and narrate: “I’m feeling anxious right now,” or, “This situation is making me tense.” Hang in there with unpleasant feelings at least long enough to acknowledge them.

This is the gist of emotion coaching kids: We help them label what they are feeling, and we validate that their feelings are okay. With younger kids, the challenge is helping them understand that while bad feelings are always all right, bad behavior never is. Be crystal clear about this. For example, it is totally okay that your child is feeling jealous and hateful toward her sister. At the same time, it is never okay to hit her.

2) Problem solve.

What did you learn from that embarrassing situation? What can you do to improve a difficult situation tomorrow? Who else can help? Who do you need to forgive before you’ll feel better? Put a plan into place.

3) Let go. Move on. Try to feel better.

This means that we make a genuine effort to cultivate happiness, gratitude, hope or any other positive emotion; researchers call this “deep acting.”

Faking a smile or other pleasantries to cover our negative emotions (what researchers call “surface acting”) without actually trying to change our underlying negative emotions will often make us feel worse rather than better. But when we genuinely try to feel more positive — when we do try to change our underlying feelings — we usually end up feeling fewer negative emotions and more positive emotions.

Most often, moving on means distracting ourselves or our children from the situation. We need to leave the scene of the crime, so to speak. In my next post, I’m going to give you a nice long list of techniques that my kids and I use to keep ourselves from overthinking difficult situations, and to move on when we want to feel better.

What negative situations do you find yourself overthinking? Do you notice your children ruminating about certain situations?

© 2011 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
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Whether you realize it or not, you have a lot of control over your life. Like many people, I used to think of myself as an unanchored boat drifting randomly in the water; the people and events in my life were the tides, waves and currents. Now, though, I’ve come to realize that I truly am the master of my own destiny. One of the first steps in getting the most out of life is really, truly realizing how much control you truly have. The following points will help you discover the many ways in which you determine the course of your own life.

You Control How You Choose to Respond

 For some reason, women seem to be especially susceptible to the idea of being swept away by their emotions; I know that I’ve been guilty of that thought process in the past. While you can’t control outside events or the actions of others, you can control how you choose to respond to them. Will you respond with despair and hand wringing, or will you respond with positivity and determination? Every time something happens, whether it’s good or bad, the way that you choose to respond is up to you. By responding positively, you take control and get most out life.

You Control the Next Step

 It’s easy to think of things in terms of cause and effect; for instance, if you lose your job, you might automatically assume that you’re doomed to collect unemployment benefits for the next year. In reality, there’s no law that says that you have to do anything of the sort. Whether you’re given a troubling diagnosis, are struggling with a relationship or just seem to be in a rut, the fact is that you control the direction in which things will go. By making that next step a positive one, I firmly believe that you can find your way to an excellent outcome.

You Can’t Control Others – But You Can Influence Them

 If you really want to feel powerless, try bending others to your will. Attempting to control others will only lead you to misery. Instead of trying to make others do what you want, try influencing them instead. Through positivity and kindness, you can influence people to bring extra benefits into your life. The old saying that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar is resoundingly true. Let go and stay positive; you’re sure to be amazed by what you get in return.

You Control Your Focus – Past, Present or Future?

 Like many people, I often find myself ruminating on the past. Sometimes, it’s something that happened long ago; other times, it’s something that happened earlier today. The what-ifs and regrets of life will eat you up inside, if you let them. As cliché as it may be, living in the present is the way to go. Similarly, looking ahead to the future is a smart step in getting the most out of life.

You Control Who You Allow into Your Life

 It’s true that we can’t choose our biological families. We can’t even really do a whole lot about who we work with on a day-to-day basis. That being said, we can control who we really allow into our lives and our inner circles. It’s perfectly fine to strictly remain friendly acquaintances with certain people. There is no need to be best friends with everyone that you know. Allowing the wrong kinds of people into your life can wear you down; surrounding yourself with positive, proactive types will lift you up.

You Control how You Spend Your Free Time

 There’s nothing wrong with lounging around and taking in some trashy reality television every now and then. We all have our guilty pleasures, after all. Still, it’s important to get out there and mix things up every once in a while. Feeling tired all of the time is sometimes caused by the ennui of being stuck in a rut. From volunteering at a shelter to jumping on a bicycle and getting out there, there are plenty of great ways to enrich yourself during your free time. This realization is a key step in getting the most out of life.

Everyone’s Path is Different

 No matter how powerless you may feel, the fact remains that there are many ways to regain control over your life. By focusing on the things that you can control, you can improve your life and get as much out of it as possible. Taking the reins and recognizing that you have more control than you think can be a little frightening; in short order, though, it can become absolutely intoxicating. Suddenly, life is opened up to you in ways that it never was in the past. I’ve seen it happen in my own life and in the lives of many others who I know; I’m sure it can happen for you, too!