Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom (”Do what you love,” “To thine own self be true”), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it’s worth trying to become one of them:

They find their most golden self. Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu (”good”) and daimon (”spirit” or “deity”), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one’s unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person’s baser exterior). The effort to know and realize one’s most golden self—”personal growth,” in today’s lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one’s sense of purpose in life.

“Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain,” says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being.” Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

They design their lives to bring in joy. It may seem obvious, but “people don’t devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy,” says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they’d done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn’t like, “some people had tears in their eyes,” Schkade says. “They didn’t realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over.”

Analyzing one’s life isn’t necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they’ve turned sour.

Fortunately, changes don’t have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.

They avoid “if only” fantasies. If only I get a better job…find a man…lose the weight…life will be perfect. Happy people don’t buy into this kind of thinking.

The latest research shows that we’re surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their life—it’s called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, “How happy are you with your life in general?” and “How many dates did you have last month?” When the dating question was asked first, their romantic life weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.

The other argument against “if only” fantasies has to do with “hedonic adaptation”—the brain’s natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won’t generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it’s just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).

They put best friends first. It’s no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What’s news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn’t necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, “just hanging out,” as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.

They allow themselves to be happy. As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it’s wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you’re having fun.

“Some people would say you shouldn’t strive for personal happiness until you’ve taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn’t have adequate medical care,” says Howard Cutler, MD, coauthor with the Dalai Lama of The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World. “The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents.” And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.

Gabrielle Leblanc is a writer and neuroscientist in Washington, D.C.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Secrets Of Sensual Love Making - 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets

Are you frustrated that your relationship doesn’t
have the magic and romance that it once had?

You’re not alone.

Living with the same partner for a long time can
become stable and comfortable, and, as a result,
can also kill the spark that made your relationship
so special in the first place.

Here are some simple, fun and creative ideas to
reignite that magic:

1. SEND THEM A UNIQUE GIFT

Get a piece of paper and some crayons. Draw a
bright childlike picture with a smiley sun and two
stick figures holding hands. Add labels with your
two names pointing to the stick figures. Write ‘I
Love You’ inside a heart. Next get a large formal
envelope. Place your drawing inside and type up a
formal address label of your partner’s workplace,
such as: “For the immediate and urgent attention
of: Rebecca Jones, Level 20, Collins & Smith
Solicitors, New York.” Mail it to your partner so
they receive it in the middle of a busy day.

2. BECOME KIDS AGAIN

If you are walking by a park, visit the swings and
give your partner a ride. This will often bring
back happy memories from their childhood.

3. FUN WITH WATER

On a hot summer’s day, buy two large water pistols
and take them to the beach with you. Pull them out
and throw one to your partner and then have a huge
water fight.

4. A MASSAGE WITH A TWIST

Buy a small, decorated cardboard box, a sheet of
colored tissue paper, some massage oil and a blank
card. Line the box with the tissue paper. Place the
massage oil in the box and write the following
message on the card: I know a great masseur. For an
appointment call: (Your Phone Number)

5. BRING BACK CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

Contact your partner’s family and ask if there was
anything she always wanted when she was a little
girl. For example if she always wanted a porcelain
doll, buy one for her birthday. She will not only
appreciate the gift, but also the fact that you
were thoughtful enough to find out what she always
wanted. You can do this for your man too.

6. STARE AT THE CLOUDS

Drive into the country, find a grassy hill, and lie
with your partner and look up at the clouds.

7. WALK ALONG THE BEACH

Trace out the shape of a large love heart in the
sand. Sit inside the heart and cuddle your partner
as you watch the sun go down.

8. ORGANIZE A PICNIC ON A WARM SUMMER’S NIGHT

Spread a picnic blanket on the ground and get
together some snacks, chocolates and champagne. Lie
down on the blanket with your partner and gaze up
at the stars together.

9. SHOW YOU’RE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER

Leave a long-stem rose where your partner will find
it, with a note on it saying: “Thank you for coming
into my life.”

10. SPICE UP YOUR LOVEMAKING

Probably the most profound way to rekindle the
romance in your relationship is to spice up your
lovemaking. Surprise your partner with a little
gift after you make love, try a new position, learn
to give your partner a sensual massage before or
after, or just spend some time staring into each
other’s eyes and caressing their bare skin before
making love.

Many people underestimate the affect passionate and
intimate lovemaking has on a relationship. If you
spice it up, chances are you and your partner will
naturally do romantic things for each other. Why?
Because passionate lovemaking connects two people
in a meaningful and unexplainable way that nothing
else can.

About the Author:

Oprah Love Expert Michael Webb is the author of 500
Lovemaking Tips, a book full of ways to spice up
your lovemaking, adding more passion, pleasure and
intimacy to your experience. To read more, visit:

Secrets Of Sensual Love Making - 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Do you feel like you barely have time to breathe? Ever seem like you never really manage to unwind? Many of us are “plugged in” 24/7, leaving little energy to enjoy our lives. We tend to leave the sacred for the Sabbath and focus most of our attention on work. It’s time to stop compartmentalizing and begin infusing our everyday lives with the sacred. Here are 10 easy ways to help you enjoy your life more fully.

Leave work earlier than usual.

There is always one more phone call or one more e-mail. Consciously stopping early once a week (at least one half-hour) affirms that we do not just live to work, but work as part of living.

Let go of the workweek.

Cease doing and worrying about the work of the week. Practice gently letting go of thoughts and concerns about work that inevitably pop into mind and take over. Eventually, these thoughts soften and recede. Sometimes, I take a more scenic route home to help clear my mind.

Turn it off.

Set aside your BlackBerry, turn off your computer, set your cell phone to silent, at least as it relates to work. See how your consciousness shifts and how it doesn’t. If you feel incredibly uneasy and even destabilized, you are being invited to discern new ways of taking control of your life.

Eat a special meal with family or friends.

Taking time to reconnect to those we love expands our sense of who we are. Savoring our food (a new recipe once a week adds adventure) deepens our connection to the material world; candlelight invites us to bring forth more light from within and see beyond the surface.

Make love with intention.

Take pleasure in the sensual part of life. Set aside a time to engage in some activity that creates greater intimacy with someone you love.

Give a blessing to a child in your life.

Remember what it was like to feel genuinely blessed by an adult in your life. In a world in which children are so vulnerable, an adult’s blessing is transformative and life-affirming.

Experience the beauty of nature.

Take a walk or a bike ride; go for a drive or a hike. Experiencing the awe and wonder and amazement of the natural world creates a reverence for life— and gives the enlivening and ethical sense that we are each an interconnected part of such an infinite cosmos.

Engage in contemplative practice.

Find a contemplative, reflective, or centering practice that you can do regularly. This can take the form of reading from a wisdom text, listening to music that touches your soul, looking at art that engages the heart, or engaging in more traditional prayer or meditation. Try not to listen to the news.

Laugh.

Laughter is a signal of transcendence. It reminds us that no matter what is happening in our lives, this too shall pass; it helps us to hold our absolutes humbly and keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously—all qualities that insure we can deal with whatever life throws at us.

Express gratitude.

Find five things for which to be grateful over the past week. Consciousness is like tofu. Its taste completely depends on what it is marinated in. When we “marinate” our consciousness in gratitude, we become more grateful people.

Bonus practice: Take a nap.

Sleep restores the body, refreshes the spirit, and is the place of dreams.

by Rabbi Irwin Kula. President of The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership and is the author of Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life (Hyperion, 2006).

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Fear. We’ve all felt its icy hand—whether it’s a sudden grab or a subtle, lingering presence. No matter how it functions in your life, no doubt you’re happiest and most fulfilled when it’s not at the wheel, steering.

Let Yourself Be Afraid

My favorite definition of fearlessness is this: the ability to remain soft and open, even under very difficult circumstances. Most often, fear causes us to shut down to our own and others’ humanity. We just want to get away, but the quickest way out is to stay. If you can slow down a bit, you can see that fear rises, abides and dissolves on its own. Allowing this process is the mark of the spiritual warrior. The coward turns attention toward fighting fear; the warrior accommodates it.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, whether it appears as anxiety, melancholy, or anger, stop, grab a piece of paper, and write one short sentence that describes your fear. Start with the words “I’m afraid…,” then scribble the first thoughts that come to mind, without regard for grammar or rationale. It could be something such as, “I’m afraid to check my e-mail because I’ve already got too much to do,” or, “I’m afraid about an upcoming conversation with my boyfriend,” or, “I’m afraid I have cancer.” Slowly read your words over three times. Take a full inhalation and exhalation after each reading. Avoid any attempt at amping up or toning down your agitation.

Ask for Help

I hate to fly. I hate it. Sometimes I even have panic attacks. I’ve tried all sorts of strategies to get over this—breathing exercises, visualizations, and Valium. None of these helped all that much. Here’s what did: I told someone on the plane that I was afraid to fly, and he offered to get me a glass of water. That’s it. To my surprise, I calmed down on the spot. I learned that getting someone to care about me, even for a moment, even if he or she is just pretending, calms me down. The truth is that 99 percent of humanity is good. When you are vulnerable, people actually want to protect you. When you know this, you can relax. The likelihood is that someone will be there for you.

Try this: If you notice panic rising, reach out to someone. You could strike up a little conversation with the person next to you. Or you could call a friend, write a letter, send an e-mail. You don’t have to go into the whole story. You can say something like, “I’m having a hard day and thinking about you lifts my spirits.” If you don’t want to communicate with anyone, make this request within yourself: “May this fear build a bridge between myself and others.” The key is to counter the energy of fear, which spirals in and down to make you feel heavy and isolated, with the energy of connection, which spirals out and around, lightening the situation on all levels.

Put Others First

Fear can cause you to ignore your authentic desires and put your life on hold. We want to avoid, retreat, and think what we want isn’t possible or realistic. This doesn’t hurt only you! Those who love you are also deprived, but just as often I find the opposite works. When I stop and remember who is in my life, why I love them, what they need, and how happy they would be made by my happiness, I find tremendous courage to face my fears. I’m doing it for us! My actions are rooted in love, not aggression—and loving others is a secret power source of fearlessness.

Try this: Ask yourself: “If I were to get past my worst fears, who else would be made happy?” If you can’t think of one person who would delight in your delight, imagine the person you most admire sitting across from you. This person can be real or fictional, but when you think of them, you feel a great sense of encouragement. Write down each person’s name and explain why he or she would feel happy if you conquered your fear.

Cheer Up

This may sound facile and nonprofound. But it’s actually the opposite. In an essay called “Working with Early Morning Depression,” Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche says, “There’s always the primordial dot: that spark of goodness that exists even before you think. We are worthy of that. Everybody possesses that unconditioned possibility of cheerfulness, which is not connected purely with either pain or pleasure. You have an inclination: in the flash of one second you feel what needs to be done. It is not a product of your education; it is not scientific or logical; you simply pick up on the message. And then you act: you just do it.”

Try this: The next time you feel shaky, pause. Say these words to yourself: “I could always just cheer up.” And then cheer up. This actually works. It may only last for a few seconds/minutes/hours, but you can always try it again.

Relax

The opposite of fear is not dauntlessness, it’s relaxation. The ability to remain open and mindful under all circumstances, no matter how uncomfortable, is a sign of amazing courage. When we’re not able to maintain mindfulness, we lose track of what’s actually going on around us. We confuse what we think is happening with what is happening. When attention is absorbed in fear, we’re distracted from what is actually going on. Like remaining in the still eye of a tornado—as opposed to being swept away by it—fearlessness requires full, moment-to-moment attention and receptivity, two qualities rooted in relaxation.

Try this: The next time you notice fear rising, stop what you’re doing. Draw attention inward. Where is the fear manifesting in your body? Fear can show itself in a tense jaw, clenched belly, shallow breathing, and so on. When you locate fear’s position, simply relax that area. Let your jaw or stomach go or take a few deep breaths. This is meant to be a physical relaxation, not an emotional one. You don’t always have to calm your mind to calm your body. It can work the other way around.

Stop Talking to Yourself

In Buddhism, there are several categories of suffering, one of which is called “The Suffering of Suffering,” which is different from the normal suffering human beings face. We all experience loss and disappointment. But we increase our suffering when we develop complex stories about where it came from, where it’s going, or whose fault it all is. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be thoughtful about the events of our life, but at a certain point, all that storytelling becomes counterproductive. Instead of analyzing your feelings, you can consider the counsel of American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön: “Feel the feeling and drop the story.”

Try this: When you notice you’re beginning to spin out, instead of thinking about your suffering, feel it. Notice where it resides in your body, whether it feels hot or cold, dull or sharp, speedy or spacey. You could even cry or stomp around. Be patient and let yourself feel what you’re feeling as an end in itself. You’ll be amazed at how much faster suffering resolves itself when you cut out the suffering of suffering.

Bring Someone With

Here is an exercise you can do on the spot to calm real fear in real time.

Try this: Before you’re about to do something scary (confront a friend, start a new job, ask for a date), imagine someone who would be proud or grateful if you took this risk. It could be a relative, a mentor, your inner child, or a historic or fictional character. Before you step into your scary situation, visualize this person by your side, holding your hand, or in your arms. Let yourself really feel their presence—and take them in with you. You’re not alone, and there is strength in numbers!

Time It

When we’re in the grip of fear, it seems endless. How long do you think fear lasts? You can actually do an experiment to see.

Try this: Take a look at your watch. Now sit down and conjure up one of your fears, but totally let go of trying to figure it out. Just connect with the feeling. Try to stay afraid for as long as you can. The very second you notice your mind starting to think about something else, stop and look at your watch. How much time passes before fear begins to pass?

Listen to Silence

Sometimes it feels like we’d do anything to stop being afraid, even for one second. Well, you don’t have to look far. In a fearful condition, the mind tends to tighten its grip on fear until you feel like you might explode. But here’s what you can do instead: Stop focusing on anything in particular. Let your awareness become open and soft.

Try this: Bring your attention to whatever sounds are present. As I sit here, I can hear a car idling across the street, music coming from downstairs, and the rustle of my husband’s newspaper. Let your ears take in all the sounds. All of them play against a background of silence; otherwise there would be nothing to hear. Tune your ear to the silence. Listen to what’s in between or under the sounds you hear and keep your attention on that. You can always, always hear the silence, even if you’re in the stadium during the Super Bowl. Take in the vastness of silence. This exercise is a way to cut into the flow of everyday discursive thought and connect instead with the mind of peace, which is always attuned to the largest possible reality.

Learn to Meditate

All the suggestions above are predicated on one thing: the ability to maintain mindfulness and awareness, moment to moment, as best you can. When you don’t consciously focus your attention, it wanders randomly. Choosing what to focus on requires practice—the practice of meditation. Then it will be easier to put the previous suggestions into play. No matter which type of meditation you do, if you stick with it, your ability to move through fear with confidence will get stronger and stronger.

By Susan Piver
BeliefNet Feature

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Step One: Get Quiet
For most people, the road to connecting with passion begins with practicing good self care This means slowing down, spending time with yourself, taking good care of your body and mind, nurturing your spirit, and engaging in activities that will move you out of your head and into your body. Once you become passionate about your self-care, you’ll know you’re on the right track.\

Step Two: Become Sensitive to Your Environment
Once you’re more connected to your feelings, you’ll be ready to do a little exploring to discover the specific, personal things that best ignite your passions. Spend one week paying close attention to what excites you, touches you, inspires you to think in a whole new way, or even frustrates you. Watch for clues. Stories in newspapers, programs on television, or conversations with friends may give you an indication of those things that will lead you to your passions. As you make new discoveries write about them in your journal.

Step Three: Answer A Series of Questions
Once you’re more connected to your feelings, you’ll be ready to do a little exploring to discover the specific, personal things that best ignite your passions. Spend one week paying close attention to what excites you, touches you, inspires you to think in a whole new way, or even frustrates you. Watch for clues. Stories in newspapers, programs on television, or conversations with friends may give you an indication of those things that will lead you to your passions. As you make new discoveries write about them in your journal.

• What interest, passion or desire are you most afraid of admitting to yourself and others?
• What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
• What do you love about yourself?
• What would you do if money was not a concern in your life?
• What one thing do you dream about doing that you’ve never told anyone?
• What do you fantasize about doing while driving your car or taking a shower?
• Who do you know that’s doing something you’d like to do? Describe yourself doing it.
• How could you make the world a better place for yourself and others?
• Who do you think you are? Have you labeled yourself a mother, student, caregiver? What are the other parts of you?
• What did you love when you were a child?
• What’s stopping you from moving forward with exploring your passion?
• List five things that you want. List five things that you’re good at. Do you know the difference between them?
• What drives you, and what gives you satisfaction?
• When you were young, what did you know you would do when you grew up?
• How would you like the world to be?
• What would you regret not having done if your life was ending?

Step Four: Go on a Treasure Hunt
Go on a ‘treasure hunt’ in your own home. The things you hold on to can provide clues to your interests and passions.

Step Five: Take A Risk
Stop “thinking” about your passions and start doing something. Take a risk, and step out to try something new. By challenging your fear with action, you’ll not only raise your self-esteem, you’ll expand your comfort zone. If you’re not sure of what to do, ask a trusted friend or partner for ideas. Remember that good luck happens when you’re in action. And, if you try something new (even if you’re not sure of the outcome), you may discover a passionate interest by accident!

by O, The Oprah Magazine

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!